Find My Melody.

No matter what has ever come to me
I got my own brand of company
I got da da da inside my head
And i play songs back to back until i got to bed

Wake up by myself inside an empty room
There's no body next to mine to oooh
But my skin is warm and my heart is full
It's the do do do do do do

Walking waking on a crowded street
With my headphones loud
So my hips can swing, so my head can nod
To the rock and roll to the boom boom beat

& i find that i'm never alone
& i find that my heart is my home
& the music within makes me whole
A world that i built on my own

& i know that i'm never alone
& i know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody

Is this poetry?

I'm different really. Circumstances change, just like people do. I try to maintain all that I have,

Everything that I believe is me. When it comes down to it, Life, that is...I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing.

Everyday new pieces of information infiltrate in flecks of old things seep out.

I want to hold onto them all but my brain won't allow it.

If I saw you again, you would see that I have changed drastically.

The woman before you isn't the same reckless teenager you loved from years before

but someone who has turned life anew, almost a stranger. I don't need to thank you.

Little teeny glimmers of what I used to be would catch your eye but that's all I've kept of me.

I wish I had more, something to show for but I just couldn't carry it all...

it would weigh me down and it got heavy.

I was given a second chance.

I'd want you to see something more than a deranged girl waiting for death to appear at the door. It's a sad image and I can't erase what everyone once saw.

Strung out mentally and trying to piece myself together, lugging a broken heart back and forth that I threw at the wall and watched shatter with approval.

I made the mess, everyone heard the clash of glass as it all hit the floor.

Some handed over mops and others fetched buckets to extinguish the flames.

I stood there for a long while....

surrounded in the hot heap...

I stood there for a while.

And finally, when no one was watching, I curled up like a house cat on the warm windowsill and licked the wounds clean, always mindful of the noises around me and momentarily gazing out on the horizon.

I'd find that horizon.

And i did. I ran to it with open arms, i flung myself onto it.

I would only let it go momentarily because in the back of my mind I knew it would never desert me. It was there. He was always there. And I found my footing and gained momentum and I pushed further than I thought was possible. And I ended up alone, happily alone. For the first time in my life.

I turned into a bird that year.

I flew,

I fell

and when I got too low,

I realized I had wings.

I flew back to the sun & never hit the ground.

I'll never hit the ground... again.

But I want to stay grounded and never travel too far.

You can lose yourself in life sometimes

I can't let myself go

I can't let myself forget who I am.

I sometimes travel back in time to see the deserted parts that raised me...

searching for a glimmer of hope but I know it's of no use...

until the day I heard something and I realized it called back at me.

Maybe I could finally pick up the pieces I couldn't carry but only if there was a way I could find them... because I'm stronger now.

I'm a lot stronger now.

I've lost something vital and I can't explain what it is I've lost.

To live my life by the words I say is useless because there are so many to chose from.

You'd have to see what I see and hear what I hear. No, you'd have to live how I've lived.

I've never explain my whole purpose to a single being

but you were there for the better parts of it.

And I now need you to explain.

Stitch me shut like a Tim Burton piece and finally set me free.

I'm either eccentric or brilliant.

But I'm happy.

So are you.

Check Lists

Lately a strange feeling has come over me. It's as if I've taken too big of a hit on this life of mine & possibly lost something vital in the process of my redefinition.

Let's rehearse; I've constructed everything in my empire to be everything I've wished it to be. I've gone from a state of emotional unbalance to a sustainable, calm way of living. When something doesn't quite go as I planned, the universe does, indeed, rearrange itself to best fit my needs but at it's own pace so I may have to wait a while. I've taken the art of the self-fulling prophecy and manipulated it as I see fit. Yet, I still have much to accomplish and the road ahead has not been paved entirely of gold. That manual labor I'll have to get on my knees and do myself as I've so naively figured out.

I've made it to San Diego and I've been having a wonderful time, no surprise there. I have great friends who I've grown to keep very close, kept good contact with my family, have a handful of units that will need to be plowed through. I've weeded out the bad plants of my past and my lawn is greener than ever with a few ruff patches; possibly where my newly adopted kittens have soiled it. Yep, Calypso&Fawkes are my newest additions and I've grown an inexplicable attachment to the pair of them. They make life "fun," in a responsible way.

I've started to outline my life in a series of Excel Spreadsheets, iPhone Reminders and a Wipe board calendar that is propped up in my new office; or my dad's old office rather. I am working for free but the man in charge; I crave the power more than the paycheck it seems. It may not be of monetary value to me but the learning experience I am getting has no dollar denomination. I've never been into the Hotel industry but having plunged head first into piles of boxed paperwork, I realize that with the time and effort I plan to put in, I might be the saving grace of this entire 12-year ordeal, even if I'm only here for a short while. But the big boulder in my way happens to be more based on my sex and possibly part of my age.

At this present time, I'm still finishing college. I'm a happy-go-lucky, spend daddy's money, do as I please, live life on the edge and party like a rockstar, capital D-I-V-A. And it suits me very well but when it comes time to buckling down and taking responsibility I feel like I pile onto my plate more than I can manage. So I'm stuck in a rut with dirt piling up to my waist and only a small shovel and my iPhone to guide me. Unfortunate as this may seem, this is how I like it. I build a challenge and watch myself struggle because it revives me. It's pushing yourself.

I've made countless To-Do Lists in the past and they all seem to evade me when they are most needed. Even now as I write, I stare at as freshly-made list on the coffee table from time to time knowing that I should put my laptop down and accomplish some of the tasks. How amazing it would feel to carry that check list to bed with me every night and reflect on all the checked boxes marked. A day's work done, a good night sleep ahead of me. But that will seldom happen. So here I start on another adventure of the To Do Checklist.

School Work

• Oh that Chemistry
• Genetics Chapter 3 & 4, finish problems from 10 & 12
• Environmental Ethics readings (~60 pages) for Thursday
• Mirror of the World reading from p.9-108 by Friday, plus Eres (20 pages)
• Fafsa!

House Work

• Grocery shopping
• Buy another air filter
• Return books

Super 8

• Building Infrastructure sheet needs to be retyped
• MyEres reservation check on email
• Customer #404 complaint needs to be addressed
• Update new calendar
• Collect drop & stats report from 2/10-2/12
• Payroll, due next Monday
• Third Party Reservation Credit Card declined, check on that
• Pay the laundry guy for both props.

Not bad for the first day of a new endeavor. Let's see how much stuff we can get done on a Monday.