OccupyMyself

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now but I know it's not a good thing. I want to make a difference in the world but I've started to realize it's so hard to especially on the grand scale. 1% of the world is wealthy and they obviously don't give a shit.

I'm sure I make an impact on a lot of people but I wonder in 10 years would it amount to anything. I've been Miss Popularity and prized myself as a pageant queen. I took that crown off. Nowadays, I try to surround myself around the positives and form a tight circle for my own protection. I'm realizing that everyone has the ability to start a change, humans have a natural capacity to sin, and that all the world is more of a gimmick than a stage. The radicals spread like disease and I'm constantly switching out the negatives. Maybe that allows for better pictures. Maybe it makes me a bad friend. But maybe that makes me wiser tomorrow than I am today. And that's what makes the difference.

I realized that Heaven and Hell are states of mind rather than places. I realize that there are no rituals, practices, or traditions that can get you there. It's all in your choices. Are you willing to live in loving harmony with God and everyone else or do you want to rot like the Romans, alone & selfish? As a child, I've been selfish. I've always wanted the biggest slice of pumpkin pie, always made sure the boys put me first above others, and won the affection of everyone I've touched- materially. Today I'll face the music- I'm easy on the eyes but no one's really listening to the shit coming out of my mouth. I'm making a difference by feeding my emotional need in wanting to be needed, loved, or lusted. Like Eva Peron, I'm maliciously fighting my way to the top because I've got beauty, brains, and the rack that holds it all together. And all of a sudden that fills a need. But that's selfish, and it's not making a difference in the world.

I'll look to the Buddha for guidance. I hope that after this semester is through that me and my bhiksuni (nun) will still remain in close ties, because there's a lot about the world I can learn from her. I need to gain awareness by cutting out the time I stare at myself in the mirror to looking at the globe and seeing what problems I can combat first. I'll have to go back to the Toy Program and re-learn the meaning of Christmas. I need to get back to my basics. I need to understand my beginnings. I need to re-change my life to what it used to be before I fell off.

Something tells me I'm going to have an extensive New Year's Resolution. This year I hope you will do more than cut out soda and cookies from your selfish diet. I hope this year I'll stick to my guns and truly show people the differences that can be made with perseverance and protesting. I need to OccupyMyself because I'm being ridiculous and I'm not gonna stand for this shit. I'm not gonna pretend the whole world is doomed and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. I'm gonna stand up against myself.