Abused.

Because the person that brings you up the highest only let's you fall the furthest, hitting your head hard on the concrete the hardest, and making you look the biggest fool.

I have the best moments and everyone who bears witness knows I got my fairytale with every type of icing on top. He makes me feel invincible. Like everything's always about me. That he's always got my back. Every time I'm sick, he nurses me back to health. Whenever I feel sad about the misfortunes of the world, he comforts me and acts like a shield. I feel happy when I wake up. I feel loved when I go to sleep. I'm blessed.

But there are fights. They are terrible. He shuts his mind out and forgets who I am. The ghosts of his past come back and blow the image of me out of the water. My body disappears. All of sudden, I'm not me but a monster. When he looks at me it's like he doesn't even see me there. He doesn't remember. I try to hold on tight and make him feel me. He just pushes me- against the wall, across the bed, to the floor. And then he leaves me there. Tells me to pull myself together as the tears come streaming down my face. He leaves me there and tells me I'm a child, I'm stupid. He makes me feel worthless. He makes me fall the furthest and then disappears.

Does it make me stronger? Yes. Does it make me feel like I'm an idiot? Yes. Should I want to leave him? Yes. But Can I?

I sit here alone most of the time waiting for him to come around... to bring me back to that pedestal I call home. It takes a while. While I sit here I forget about the tears, the hurt, and the pain... I try to remember the way he tried to make me pancakes while I was sleeping, when he would randomly dance with me in the middle of the grocery store like no one was watching, when he said he'd get me whatever made me happy because I deserved it & I was his baby. I remember the times he spoiled me rotten, when he'd look at me like no one's ever looked at me before. The moments keep me sane. Keep me grounded. Prevent me from leaving. Because underneath it all, there's the man I met. He's trapped in there and I would gladly die trying to get him out. But it takes a toll. My entire soul is hurt, shot from the sky, drowning in salty tears. And he walks around the room like he doesn't even care. I'll admit it I'm scared to leave. Scared because I feel like I'll never feel the same way about anyone else. Scared that the minute I walk the plank on another relationship, I'll change again. I'll never remember him again. I'll forget all about the man that lives inside this monster. And I'll never see him the same way again...

He's never raised a hand to me, but whose to say that the pain is any different? He kissed me goodbye, I don't feel a thing.