Once Upon A Time.

Once upon a time you were able to DREAM BIG...

Your imaginations would run endless and equated to the number of stars in the sky. When you were younger you could be anything you wanted with a flick of the wrist. They made it seem so easy- your parents, your teachers, your friends. If you wanted to be an astronaut, all you had to do was dream. As you grow older those same vivid dreams you once had turn to grey and become less fantasy and more realistic. Sometimes I believe that the only magic in this world exists at Disneyland, but the people that work there must think otherwise.
Now you have to not only dream but goal-orient yourself, see yourself in that said position, think of the pros and more importantly the cons that could possibly make you HATE your life, you have to think about your family now and what it will become, or won't!, you have to think about your personality and if it fits, you have to think about paying the bills with your dream everyday.
It's easy to see how my first dreams of being an author became obsolete- long middle-of-the-night hours and a life filled with caffeine addiction, writer's block and complete silence with a twist of carpel tunnel.
Nowadays and everyone knows, I want to be able to cut open a heart and see what's inside, I want to watch the radical cells from a tumor in a microscope burst and die from a concoction I created, i want to whip-stitch a banana! But no one told me that it was going to be this difficult back when I was dreaming so big! Organic Chemistry, millions of molecules, memorizing phyla after phyla, where do the protists go? I just have to stop being lazy and think. Until one day I realized what my life would become if I miraculously accomplish this feat.
In Biology, we study other people's studies. We see what others in the scientific community have done and continue to do. In the end, we become that community and begin to do things that may lead to failure upon failure or a breakthrough that someone will teach a BIOL 221 class some day in order to encourage and inspire and keep the cycle going. For most, that's what these class examples do- they create brain juice for us to feed off. But my reality kicked it. I don't necessarily want to apply creativity into making and conducting countless experiments until I reach a breakthrough. I'm messy in the lab, i spill constantly, my technique is off and I never recover the right amount of sample. The scientific community is COMPETITIVE forever and I'm realizing that I possibly make not have what it takes to make it but also may not want to WORK THAT HARD to getting to that whip-stitched banana.
Am I settling for less? No. I'm choosing other things in place of those sutured bananas. Because life isn't about BIG DREAMS it's about reality and balance. It's about making choices to sort out things that work for you and things that work against you. I love babies. That's what I want ultimately- a beautiful family. That is the final measure of my success. The career is the vehicle that materially brings us into the promised (and comfortable living) land of those La Jolla Beach Front properties. But as Keisha said, "I don't want to spend more time with other kids than I do with my own." And that's the sad truth behind most of these ambitious career positions- grueling, long hard man hours and a lot of frozen dinners in front of the television. No bueno.

So what else is out there? Where is the happy medium? We can't all just become teachers and get the weekends off to grade papers. The salary isn't going to buy me a house any time soon. And the lack of a challenge will drive me insane. So there's the balance I need to find- An Ambitious and Growing Interest Career Position + A Growing Beautiful Comfortable Family.

Because after all those bananas become real humans stitches, that pager isn't going to let you see the light of day. After determining the ways 1,000 different bodies died, I'll refuse to let anyone leave the house and live forever in the depths of fear. And after preforming the same experiment over and over again, when do you realize it 's finally time to hang your hat, make for the coast because the war is over and you've been defeated by the dreams you held so dear, once upon a time....

I told my mom when I was 16 years old, I wanted to be an astronaut and go to space. She said No. And I thank her because she was being realistic. P.S. I'm not backing down. As a Capricorn, I'll stay ambitious. I'm never going to accept defeat especially for the sake of raising a family (that's what grandparents are for). I'm simply writing this blog to re-evaluate the needs and wants of my life. The modes of how I'm going to get what I want and finding out exactly what that "want" really truly is. Determining how far down to Hell I'll go to grab a piece of this world for my own. Because ultimately my name is going in a book. And hopefully I'll grab a Nobel Prize with it.

The war isn't over. I just realized I need to either buy bigger & better gun or go hang a tail between my legs.
Go Hard or Go Home, world.

my life.

before i delve into another new SENIOR semester of college, I took the time to look back at my life and see all the components that got me to where i am today (on top of the world) and the people who have shaped that world beyond belief. You are my life and this one's for you:


Because my best friend cures my hangovers by pulling me out of bed.


Because I pretend that I'm their roommate and they let me.


Because we are the oddest gathering of people- we just love to eat.


Because my family naturally adopts them.


Because this 'apple' was the life of the party.


Because at my going-away party they make sure I can't go anywhere after.



Because I'll share a buffalo chicken pizza with you and no one else.


Because after garba, we paint the town.


Because they'll let me wear no real clothes and become my friends away from home.


Because no matter where you are in the world, i'll remember you.


Because we fake laugh+pose for the photo's sake.


Because every day feels like my birthday and someone's always gonna be there to cake my face.

The World Is Mine.

I feel that my blog is about one thing over all others- how life changes and my interpretation (aka venting) of that. If it's one thing anyone knows about me is that I challenge the meaning of life only because I hate change, don't know why it happens yet still I can't live without change, no one can. Change brought me to this moment and without it I'd be nothing. If it's one thing anyone's taught me it's to Just Go With The Flow. Because no matter what, it's going to either flow with me or without me so I need to get with it. And most often I usually do. There are, however, moments of relapse when I look down from the 9th cloud and see what used to be me. It shows me how far a lot of people have fallen.

Facebook is nothing except a constant, almost DAILY reminder of who I was, how I am now, and who people turn into being. In a single word it is change.

-I see old friends still doing the same shit they've done since I met them, left them and then came back renounced. I miss the memories and innocence of that back then time but what I should remember is- now is better. I'm looked up to and I inspire. This is my dream. I have proven to be a diamond in the rough and someone who was able to push through, stand up and keep it moving with a strong 110% push. When they see me, I smile because in their eyes I have made it farther than most will even dare to dream.

-I see my main friends right beside me, a phone call away and forever changing. I'm living the life and they live it with me. They keep my head above water and push me through all the obstacles because they know what I want more than anything is to come out on top. They can be miles apart or a touch away, yet they should always know that I keep them close and anticipate to keep them here forever. I've found love in the people I'm with and removed hatred from my vocabulary and mind space. I've found some dahyi pori's that have kept me on a righteous path with a lot of room to have fun! They find curiosity in what makes me the way I am and I find curiosity in them. I try to extract a lesson from each of them that will help me grow into something better. And this is what I've become.

-I see new friends starting strong- graduating, getting married, and starting little family empires of their own which helps me shape the dreams of who I see myself being in the near future. I see them aspire to new heights and take on challenging tasks and jobs. Their schedules begin to conflict with mine and feels like forever since we've spoken but it just prepares us for the stage in life where it won't be EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT hanging around but now a weekly to monthly phone call. I see strange faces on the side bar of people that I'll probably meet at the next shin-dig and who may one day become an integral part of this life I lead. I see blank space that will be filled, making way for more change.

I have to log off sometime because it's straining both visually and mentally- all these faces, memories, and just SOCIAL THINGS going by. I can't grasp the concept that I once used to be surrounded by a certain aura of people and now those faces have all changed and day by day they continue to do the same thing. I've never had a set group of friends. Being a butterfly, it's kind of hard to. My best friends and I have become strangely CLOSER than ever and for that I Thank God, her and myself for holding it together. Close friends begin to drift and catch on with the space and we both begin to close the gap as well as take our friendship to the next level under the strain of busy lifestyles. I see past friendships go from appearing at the very top of the headlines to none existent and that's ok too. Oh you went to Paris? You got a divorce? Your dog died? Bachelorette Party in Vegas next weekend? Oh shit! I'm sure they think the same of me. But 'other people's lives and what they think' is not what this blog is about either.

This blog is about me. It's about me and my life. It's about Nikita finally owning up to the fact that I can't grab everyone I want and demand God create me a garden to let us all live and prosper there happily. No, because even that didn't work back in the B.C era. The world is always changing and I am never standing perfectly still. Nor would I want to. Change is good and it happens to everyone. Who I stand by and for will change depending on the way shit works out tomorrow. I just hope you're there to tough it out with me because if you're in this life of mine now, you can bet your bottom dollar I want you here forever. If not, you gotta keep it moving as unfortunate as that is to say, it is the 100. This is my life. I'm truly blessed.

Lastly I leave you with a quote, this time it's my own.

September 1st 2010: "Just arrived on my new campus; this world is mine for the taking."



And I have to remember that though people change, the weather, our wolfpack, my style, my slang, my relationships all may change- one thing is for certain always; I am living my dream and that dream is always changing, never ending, and going to take me where I'm supposed to be. This world is mine for the taking.
Hope you're enjoying the ride.

Sitcom

"Your life should be a T.V. show," she said to me.

My life damn well should be. And it shouldn't be one of those sappy soap operas or those corny teenage dramas but a real show. Completely unlike Keeping Up with the Kardashians or Flavor of Love. Something that mixes How I Met Your Mother-esque humor with Outsourced grandmothers, Entourage-styled out pretty boys, and Gossip Girl chicks minus the gossip and a girl like me who believes every challenge that ends up on her plate is like an intense episode of Survivor where the outcome is always uncertain. There shall be no Super Sweet 16's and no fancy cars sponsored by Pimp My Ride. It should be a ghetto version of MTV Cribz or not ghetto, maybe Indian. It should be centered around the concept in Tupac Shakur's poem about a true rose that grew from concrete. Something that would blow Paris Hilton's life as an heiress out of the water. Because I'm not ghetto but I've had my hard knock times. Because I'm not the most amazing person in the world, just one of them. Because I'm nothing special to all the people in the world but to a couple hundred I know i mean the world. And for that, i am blessed.

My life is dramatic but it is never so in a bad way.

I realize I'm pretty damn entertaining and the stories I tell have value, they have weight, they have depth, they are full of morals and, above all, they are real. I humor people and make fun of myself. I educate people and act like an intense know-it-all. My life is full of a lot of conversations. It seems I meet new people every other day. On top of that I make stronger deeper ties with those I've already come to know. And I remove everything of insignificant value because my life is being shaped. I'm growing mentality and I'm learned to hone the ability to pick and chose who sticks around in this life of mine. After all, "it's all in the company you keep..."

God knows he's letting me live like a Diva.

So today I must be thankful, today I must realize that life has been granted to me not once, but twice this time around. That my parents bust their ass so that I can have this sitcom style life and a hundred viewers right off the bat. My life is beautiful and today I'm thankful to all you for that.