Day One
Wendy's Spicy Chicken Nuggets. Baja Fresh Grilled Veggie Burrito. Cotixan Nachos. Panda Express Kung Pao Chicken. Arroz Con Pollo. Wheat Thins. Almonds. A Carrot. These are a few of the things my mind has started to crave at random during the 8th hour of my Master Cleanse. I decided to blog through my process in hope of finding some cyber strength to get me past these next seven days.
Pre-Cleanse
Yesterday I woke up. I thought about the Vegas weekend approaching. Did some online shopping for a seductive red dress to wear for that weekend. And the frowned about how un-skinny bitchin' I am. That's when they got home from their first day of college and were heading out to get some grub. On our way, Brandon stated how "Men's Health claimed that Baja Fresh was the Best Lunch" because of how healthy it was, they don't use lard, etc. etc. I felt a little better.
Babe gets home and wants to go to Trader Joe's, he's gonna do the Master Cleanse and needs Grade B Pure Maple Syrup. The $16 a bottle kind. I roll my eyes and walk to the car. Thinking about those microwavable cheesy enchiladas I love or even those Mango Cream Bars that I would literally die for at this moment.
I call Arisha and ask her if she knows a cheap place to buy lemons since they're outrageously priced at TJ's and the Master Cleanse recipe calls for close to 3 lemons a day, i guess? She seems gung-ho about it and wants Mike to give her the recipe so she could do it too. BRAIN JUICE. If she can do, then I sure as hell can! And she doesn't need to lose any more weight, whereas I definitely could shed a few inches. So I tell him to buy a few extra lemons and another liter water bottle, because I'm going all in. My reasoning; the money I save from not buying food this week can be gambled with later on the Blvd. Score! Thanks for the motivation Arisha! I also decide that instead of rolling my eyes as Mike braces himself for a week of pain, I might as well experiment with it myself and be of some support to him since he's been wanting to this for a long time.
At home we decide we should have something good yet hearty and healthy for dinner, Pho sounds like a great idea that we both seem to be in the mood for. That is, until Momma Solis lets us know there's alot of pizza from Costco downstairs. Alright, Men's Health magazine says Pizza isn't that bad as long as you half the cheese and double on the sauce. Go Lycopene rich Tomatoes. However, this was standard all cheese and sauce pizza, sans Men's Health modification. We ate it anyway. Babe topped it off with a Diet Coke. I abstained. Soda= Liquid Satan.
This was an early dinner. We had some time to check out that Monkey Picked Oolong from Teavana that we've had our eye one. We come home with a new teapot, the rarest Oolong and some Youthberry. Cheers!
If i hadn't been so full of the 32oz. of tea I had just consumed maybe I would have had a vanilla/chocolate Haagendaz bar. But I decided with the cleanse looming ahead I could do without it.
Fuck! Me!
00 hrs.
Something about the smell of lemons excites me. It's fresh, it's bright. It's ANTIBACTERIAL. I love it. So here we go 10:49am, juicing fresh lemons and spooning tablespoons of Maple Syrup into the gallon of water. Sprinkle some Cayenne and I'm excited for this spicy lemonade. I drink my first big glass and it seems alright. Babe made it sound like the worst. But maybe his body just rejects the taste now. We set off to do some home improvement that's been put off all summer. I leave the kitchen thinking 'this week's gonna be a piece of cake'
04 hrs.
Time to take a break and the hunger pains have started to slowly seep through. The brew has been refrigerating for a while so it's icy cool. It feels good going down. I chug it and laugh. Master Cleanse is pussy shit. I feel good for my intestines. I'm happy that they'll finally get fully cleaned. I anticipate my first few poops because I heard their supposed to be the gnarliest. Back to work.
06 hrs.
Ikea instructions stump us. The leveler laser thingy doesn't work. Babe & I's pressure runs high and Momma Solis is making chicken in the kitchen. I don't know if I've ever tasted it but my mind tells me it's my favorite thing in the whole world. I ignore it and start reading some random sex books we dig up from the back of Babe's closet. We begin to stay out of each other's way as he gets fed up with the setting up of the mirror, it truly is a lot harder than it looks. We leave each other alone and within an hour come back to full center again.
09 hrs.
Another break, this time we've actually cleared the entire bed so we can lay for a bit. Hot Chicks on HBO, we turn it off and sit in the silence of his nicely almost cleaned and dusted room. The full length mirror is finally up and all I think is Wendy's Chicken Nuggets. On most days I know to stay away from these bad boys. I think it's the toxins seeping out through my body that have decided to play tricks on my brain before getting flushed down that drain later tonight.
Ghirardelli Mint Chocolate Squares. See's Candy Butterscotch Lollipops. Costco Pizza, how i wish I had scarfed down an extra slice last night. I feel the weight sink in. I want to see results now! I don't want to walk down the stairs, to the kitchen, past that yummy chicken and rice to get some more lemonade. Fuck, my stomach growls out "No, what are you doing to me..." at least that's what I interpret she's saying. I'll have to get another glass down before 8pm. After that, it's all tea and water. I think I'll get a blog in first. Otherwise I might sneak a chip in. I don't think it would be too detrimental, right? But I think about Mike and realize he'd probably want me to be a little stronger than that so I get it out of my head and let my fingers feast on the keys.
So here I am. Day One. Wishing I had eaten more on my last day before I started this. Contemplating if I could shorten the diet down to three days instead of having it consume my whole LAST week of summer. Reaching for that Ziplock bag of wheat thins that someone left out on the kitchen counter and then running away. Thinking about Mike and how he's done this before and had crazy results, how he's trying to get back into his rhythm, telling me that this diet will make me think about food in a completely different way, how by the time my online order of skank-wear arrives I'll have a Vegas Ready body that I'll love.
But what about those Chilaquiles. God damnit, how I knew I should have had one last serving from Los Primos. I think it must be my favorite breakfast food.
The mind may be a terrible thing to waste but my stomach is a horrible bitch to upset because now she's playing games with my brain. I'll have to get through it, we both will.
