Life As I know it

It's been so long since I blogged I forgot how to log-in. I get inspired reading other people's works, thanks to you! It makes me realize how much weight can be lifted by simply letting your fingers instead of my mouth do all the talking. Right before finals, this seems like the perfect moment to spew out some baggage that I've been carrying around for way too long. Hopefully tonight I'll get a good nights sleep.

As a recap of my life:

Mexico was great and I wanna go back. White sand beaches like I've never seen before. Life is beautiful and don't realize the full capacity of it until your out there in the middle of endless ocean. It's amazing.

I've realized that now that I've chosen to demand more from my education, it's not a one way street anymore. My education demands just as much out of me as I do of it. I'll be needed to step my game up if I wanna keep up with her and be that someone I intended to be.

Relationships are for suckers and I'm striving to be a winner. Trying to find the balance between the two adds another fatty, carb-filled side dish to my plate that I've gotta get through before I get the sweetest dessert. There are ups and many downs and only I am solely responsible for getting myself through them. Relationships are learning experiences and I've definitely honed in on what kind of woman I want to be through this and after it.

My dreams have turned on me. Everything's visually blurry but my mind makes the focus clear enough to comprehend in my head that something is evil. They are people from the past that I've disengaged with. They appear at the corners of my seemingly ordinary dream-life, then they turn sour. People I used to know and love begin by cutting me in line at the dream-grocery store. While walking through my mind's endless hallway, she'll go out of her way to bump me, step on my shoe, or push me & then disappear. All these people attempt to break my stride but I keep going until I'm woken up because Mike realizes I've been whimpering in my sleep, my mind has been wanting this to stop. The clear explanation can only mean that the demons have realized that I'm moving forward at an accelerated rate and the only time I allow myself to be vulnerable is in my dreams. All those people I've left in the past to "do me" have turned my subconscious mind wicked with guilt.

But what are dreams? How does such a brilliant mind by day turn dark by night?

Dreams are merely experiences that your subconscious mops up almost randomly. In the night it dumps them into your REM cycle and your mind tries to sort out where these images belong in your memory system.

For months I've been trying to expel past experiences, relationships, and ways of life that I have now dubbed negative. I've had my eye set on the future and prepared myself to keeping only relevant, enlightening material for my brain to feed off of. It seems to be a lot harder than I thought. Day by day i'm reminded of familiar faces and the stories break out of my mouth. At night my mind mulls over the importance of these remembrances and has no clue what to do with them.

I just woke up from another dream, this time I had to break out of it alone. A woman I love who has always presented herself with compassion and an endless supply of maternal care turned sour on me. I had never felt so scared and alone before. What's happening?