My City.

This is my city. Everything I've come to know and love started here. I've been back for about a day and everything feels different, a strange familiar that I've never experienced before. I guess this starts here too.
This city means everything to me; heart and soul.
It's people show me that I am truly loved and that this is where I belong.

Thoughts on Love

Love. The most painful thing a human heart can go through. And I wish that was an exaggeration.

Love is painful, no matter how sweet & spicy, honey-filled, chocolate-covered, sugar coated it can be. All the roses in the world wouldn't make it any less heart-wrenching than it already is, neither would any drug. But we all love love. Philosophically humans ultimately want happiness, and no matter how you may argue it and what you may say, we can only be completely happy when we have love; when we feel it or we give it. Even though it's as painful as it is, love is a strong component to happiness, the top-most rung of the ladder. So how do we learn to live with this infectious disease? Affection. We crave it and it does it's job by fulling us to the point of utmost content. It fuels are heart-filled cars so we can go that extra mile every Valentine's Day to do something special for that person we love- flowers, chocolates, hugs- romance. It makes tough men crumble to their knees and all women fall head over heels for Mr. Right (or a Mr Wrong in a disguise).

People who need minimal affection, exude minimal affection and find partners who require little of it- a smile or simple touch. Those who give off too much affection often fall victim to either receiving a lack of the same magnitude of affection or from "strangling the puppy" until their necks break, leaving them heartbroken and in search of what can fulfill their achy, breaky heart. Again, love is painful- end of story. Mistaking love for lust or infatuation is even more so. But I'm a scientist and Love is an experiment in living. You are the scientist and many will go mad searching for a way to chemically induce the reaction. But most of us just learn from trial and error, some keep lab journals in the form of diaries, many people learn to avoid certain subjects for experimentation, sometime's it's toxic, hazardous and must be thrown away using proper contamination methods, and everyone's up to date on lab safety- knowing when it's time to pull the emergency shower and let things burn. However, sometimes you become wise enough to finally get that formula just right. Everything else spontaneously occurs. A + B --> C forever; chance & life itself, being the only limiting reagents.

I try and I strangle.

I try and I run from being strangled.

I try, each time giving it my all. Each time falling short of perfect.

I started believing I had gotten things terribly wrong. My calculations off, my technique messy, my formula backwards. I met someone with an entirely different theory. He wasn't into science. But logically it all made sense.

In relationships you should be grateful not that you are loved, but for the ability to love that other person, to have received a chance to be in love with them- a chance that no one else gets to have except you. You were chosen by them but that's the only card they can play in your happiness. You are in control of your life, your love and your happiness. You can choose whether that person is perfect and makes you feel like no one else can, makes you give them all the love your heart can muster. Altruistic love versus selfish love. It's not so much about being loved and feeling the affection they give you, it's being able to love someone that makes us whole. It let's us know that beneath all the flesh and bone- the muscle & strength, there is heart pumping & beating, loving. That person's love may never amount to yours nor should it matter, but by loving them you should feel your heart fill up. It is of your own doing. Only you can make yourself happy. The more love you share the more that other person will want to feel the same as you and share love back. It's similar to the holidays, giving gifts to others feels better than opening one for yourself.

Love is still painful, only if you want it selfishly. Love has it's pleasant side. It can be painless if you agree that the simple moments you share with someone are filled with bliss that you procure from just loving them. You fill your affection by giving all you've got, whether or not they can amount to giving you that much back. As long as they feel your love and affection and you can give it to them, it's all you need. Love is all you have to give. Love is all you need.