Demi Moore

I wonder how Demi Moore feels. It's a stupid thing to wonder but in this moment it seems very valid. I never write about celebrities because I don't personally think they're people I should devote any amount of time to. But Demi Moore is 49 and heading into her 3rd divorce, totaling 23 years of broken marriages. How must she feel because, honestly, not any amount of riches or popularity can amount to the happiness found within a perfect marriage.

I'm a strong believer in love. I've dreamt up my own personal fairytale and sized up every man whose ever held my hand to possibly be the man from the wedding cake topper. Most have failed and at the tender age of 22, I'm still searching and fitting the groomsman to perfection.

Ultimately, it's the marriage I look forward to more than the wedding. Maybe it's because I'm practical or possibly just the wiser. I think Kim K. wanted the wedding with all the glitz and glamour, friends drinking champagne and telling you how beautiful you look wedding dress after wedding dress, and was too caught up to realize the ball & chain attached to the end of her Vera Wang train. Marriage is what I look forward to. The constant day-by-day interaction presents a challenge for me. How would contribute to a successful, working marriage? Will there be a time where I'll need to spice things up to keep the love alive? Well, it's been a year will Michael now and I think we've adjusted into the holy matrimony hum-drum, but what happens when it's actually real? Will it last forever? Because honestly, I want to get to that moment where we sit on the front porch swing and watch the kids play. That moment when the grandkids ask us what it was like to fall in love in our day. I want to get to the point where you look past the wrinkles and signs of old age and still see that 23 year old brown-eyed college boy standing at your front door. I want to see how love doesn't change through the years- after all the family members have died & the new ones have been born, after all the friends come and go, and the weekly nights out on the town, become dinner parties for the holidays and then play dates with the kids, and finally hospital visits and final goodbyes. I want to turn to my right and see my right hand man who keeps all these memories with me because no one wants to go through life alone.

This makes me think about 49-year-old Demi. I want a marriage that grows day-by-day. A love that lasts a life time. Divorces are ugly but in some instances, absolutely necessary. I can understand why her first marriage at 18 was doomed to fail and that's ok, people make mistakes. I'm sure she thought she had it all figured out with Bruce and when that failed I can see how Ashton lit her fire and kept her feeling alive. But now, that's over, too. So what must she be feeling on the inside. Who will be there for her when Hollywood Blvd is over taken by the Team Jacob's and Disney Channel Stars? Who will she rely on when she needs that special someone to lay next to every night- you can't be a cougar forever! I wonder what will happen to Demi Moore or the other women who turn out to be like her. Can women survive without finding true love forever?

Abused.

Because the person that brings you up the highest only let's you fall the furthest, hitting your head hard on the concrete the hardest, and making you look the biggest fool.

I have the best moments and everyone who bears witness knows I got my fairytale with every type of icing on top. He makes me feel invincible. Like everything's always about me. That he's always got my back. Every time I'm sick, he nurses me back to health. Whenever I feel sad about the misfortunes of the world, he comforts me and acts like a shield. I feel happy when I wake up. I feel loved when I go to sleep. I'm blessed.

But there are fights. They are terrible. He shuts his mind out and forgets who I am. The ghosts of his past come back and blow the image of me out of the water. My body disappears. All of sudden, I'm not me but a monster. When he looks at me it's like he doesn't even see me there. He doesn't remember. I try to hold on tight and make him feel me. He just pushes me- against the wall, across the bed, to the floor. And then he leaves me there. Tells me to pull myself together as the tears come streaming down my face. He leaves me there and tells me I'm a child, I'm stupid. He makes me feel worthless. He makes me fall the furthest and then disappears.

Does it make me stronger? Yes. Does it make me feel like I'm an idiot? Yes. Should I want to leave him? Yes. But Can I?

I sit here alone most of the time waiting for him to come around... to bring me back to that pedestal I call home. It takes a while. While I sit here I forget about the tears, the hurt, and the pain... I try to remember the way he tried to make me pancakes while I was sleeping, when he would randomly dance with me in the middle of the grocery store like no one was watching, when he said he'd get me whatever made me happy because I deserved it & I was his baby. I remember the times he spoiled me rotten, when he'd look at me like no one's ever looked at me before. The moments keep me sane. Keep me grounded. Prevent me from leaving. Because underneath it all, there's the man I met. He's trapped in there and I would gladly die trying to get him out. But it takes a toll. My entire soul is hurt, shot from the sky, drowning in salty tears. And he walks around the room like he doesn't even care. I'll admit it I'm scared to leave. Scared because I feel like I'll never feel the same way about anyone else. Scared that the minute I walk the plank on another relationship, I'll change again. I'll never remember him again. I'll forget all about the man that lives inside this monster. And I'll never see him the same way again...

He's never raised a hand to me, but whose to say that the pain is any different? He kissed me goodbye, I don't feel a thing.

OccupyMyself

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now but I know it's not a good thing. I want to make a difference in the world but I've started to realize it's so hard to especially on the grand scale. 1% of the world is wealthy and they obviously don't give a shit.

I'm sure I make an impact on a lot of people but I wonder in 10 years would it amount to anything. I've been Miss Popularity and prized myself as a pageant queen. I took that crown off. Nowadays, I try to surround myself around the positives and form a tight circle for my own protection. I'm realizing that everyone has the ability to start a change, humans have a natural capacity to sin, and that all the world is more of a gimmick than a stage. The radicals spread like disease and I'm constantly switching out the negatives. Maybe that allows for better pictures. Maybe it makes me a bad friend. But maybe that makes me wiser tomorrow than I am today. And that's what makes the difference.

I realized that Heaven and Hell are states of mind rather than places. I realize that there are no rituals, practices, or traditions that can get you there. It's all in your choices. Are you willing to live in loving harmony with God and everyone else or do you want to rot like the Romans, alone & selfish? As a child, I've been selfish. I've always wanted the biggest slice of pumpkin pie, always made sure the boys put me first above others, and won the affection of everyone I've touched- materially. Today I'll face the music- I'm easy on the eyes but no one's really listening to the shit coming out of my mouth. I'm making a difference by feeding my emotional need in wanting to be needed, loved, or lusted. Like Eva Peron, I'm maliciously fighting my way to the top because I've got beauty, brains, and the rack that holds it all together. And all of a sudden that fills a need. But that's selfish, and it's not making a difference in the world.

I'll look to the Buddha for guidance. I hope that after this semester is through that me and my bhiksuni (nun) will still remain in close ties, because there's a lot about the world I can learn from her. I need to gain awareness by cutting out the time I stare at myself in the mirror to looking at the globe and seeing what problems I can combat first. I'll have to go back to the Toy Program and re-learn the meaning of Christmas. I need to get back to my basics. I need to understand my beginnings. I need to re-change my life to what it used to be before I fell off.

Something tells me I'm going to have an extensive New Year's Resolution. This year I hope you will do more than cut out soda and cookies from your selfish diet. I hope this year I'll stick to my guns and truly show people the differences that can be made with perseverance and protesting. I need to OccupyMyself because I'm being ridiculous and I'm not gonna stand for this shit. I'm not gonna pretend the whole world is doomed and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. I'm gonna stand up against myself.

Happy Anniversary Team

A year ago, I was newbie to the game. I had picked up everything I had and followed a dream that kept coming back to me. I never thought I'd ever have the guts, the balls, or the common sense to move away from my beloved city by the bay. But I did it. There I was a queen, everything was familiar and outside of those 7x7 miles, I would be nothing. Although this scared me the most, I followed what I felt on the inside, I packed up and did it. And it gave me an immense amount of confidence. It taught me something very vital about the world;
it's yours. You do with it what you will. You draw the lines, you make the boundaries and if you keep your wits about you, you cross them. You make yourself something because nothing in this life is given.

This time last year, it was Halloween. A time of year I came to know as my second birthday. It's where one love ended and a new one started. I fell in love with a road trip from Santa Barbara and met the best people that I never thought existed. I fell into a group where I was just a shiny new toy and figured that soon enough my lustre would disappear and I'd either be a has-been or some one they used to know. I'd never know their stories, I'd never know what made them tick. They'd never know me. I'd just disappear into the background. But after having met these people I knew I couldn't just let em go that way. They meant too much to me even from that first day. They're courageous, they're crazy, they're me. So I stepped it up and made them my own and they let me because, in time, I became theirs, too. Luckily.

My hypemen & hypeladies just hooked it up & it felt like I had red carpet laid out wherever I went. It was a true blessing and I was living the high life. I had their support through everything from a crazy costume idea to my relationships with others. In a single year, I went from the girl down the hall to Nikita, the one & only. And most importantly, I had become part of a team. I had a team. People to ride with, to enjoy the weekends with, to laugh and cry with, and to just be me with, people with whom I could pass the time and make memories with. We had amazing heart to hearts & tough talks we had to make it through. In a year, you've all made it seem like a lifetime of utmost happiness. And ultimately, they've become something as close to family. They definitely kept me away from feeling homesick. Every time I boarded a plane, it became more and more of a challenge to leave. To them, I owe an entire year of happiness and many more to come.
Because they're my team and I never want this to change but I know it happens. We never know who we'll lose next year but as for right now, I just want you to know you have made my life the most amazing ride to live on and every moment worth while. And I hope I've brought something as essential to your life as you have to mine. I wouldn't change this life for anything and I wouldn't trade any of you for the world.
You are the best.
You are mine. And I hope you'll stay forever.

Let's stay together 'til we're ghosts.
I wanna witness love,
I've never seen it close.
But I guess we gotta try it first.
That's why I'm really going off.
Fireworks.
-Drake.

Once Upon A Time.

Once upon a time you were able to DREAM BIG...

Your imaginations would run endless and equated to the number of stars in the sky. When you were younger you could be anything you wanted with a flick of the wrist. They made it seem so easy- your parents, your teachers, your friends. If you wanted to be an astronaut, all you had to do was dream. As you grow older those same vivid dreams you once had turn to grey and become less fantasy and more realistic. Sometimes I believe that the only magic in this world exists at Disneyland, but the people that work there must think otherwise.
Now you have to not only dream but goal-orient yourself, see yourself in that said position, think of the pros and more importantly the cons that could possibly make you HATE your life, you have to think about your family now and what it will become, or won't!, you have to think about your personality and if it fits, you have to think about paying the bills with your dream everyday.
It's easy to see how my first dreams of being an author became obsolete- long middle-of-the-night hours and a life filled with caffeine addiction, writer's block and complete silence with a twist of carpel tunnel.
Nowadays and everyone knows, I want to be able to cut open a heart and see what's inside, I want to watch the radical cells from a tumor in a microscope burst and die from a concoction I created, i want to whip-stitch a banana! But no one told me that it was going to be this difficult back when I was dreaming so big! Organic Chemistry, millions of molecules, memorizing phyla after phyla, where do the protists go? I just have to stop being lazy and think. Until one day I realized what my life would become if I miraculously accomplish this feat.
In Biology, we study other people's studies. We see what others in the scientific community have done and continue to do. In the end, we become that community and begin to do things that may lead to failure upon failure or a breakthrough that someone will teach a BIOL 221 class some day in order to encourage and inspire and keep the cycle going. For most, that's what these class examples do- they create brain juice for us to feed off. But my reality kicked it. I don't necessarily want to apply creativity into making and conducting countless experiments until I reach a breakthrough. I'm messy in the lab, i spill constantly, my technique is off and I never recover the right amount of sample. The scientific community is COMPETITIVE forever and I'm realizing that I possibly make not have what it takes to make it but also may not want to WORK THAT HARD to getting to that whip-stitched banana.
Am I settling for less? No. I'm choosing other things in place of those sutured bananas. Because life isn't about BIG DREAMS it's about reality and balance. It's about making choices to sort out things that work for you and things that work against you. I love babies. That's what I want ultimately- a beautiful family. That is the final measure of my success. The career is the vehicle that materially brings us into the promised (and comfortable living) land of those La Jolla Beach Front properties. But as Keisha said, "I don't want to spend more time with other kids than I do with my own." And that's the sad truth behind most of these ambitious career positions- grueling, long hard man hours and a lot of frozen dinners in front of the television. No bueno.

So what else is out there? Where is the happy medium? We can't all just become teachers and get the weekends off to grade papers. The salary isn't going to buy me a house any time soon. And the lack of a challenge will drive me insane. So there's the balance I need to find- An Ambitious and Growing Interest Career Position + A Growing Beautiful Comfortable Family.

Because after all those bananas become real humans stitches, that pager isn't going to let you see the light of day. After determining the ways 1,000 different bodies died, I'll refuse to let anyone leave the house and live forever in the depths of fear. And after preforming the same experiment over and over again, when do you realize it 's finally time to hang your hat, make for the coast because the war is over and you've been defeated by the dreams you held so dear, once upon a time....

I told my mom when I was 16 years old, I wanted to be an astronaut and go to space. She said No. And I thank her because she was being realistic. P.S. I'm not backing down. As a Capricorn, I'll stay ambitious. I'm never going to accept defeat especially for the sake of raising a family (that's what grandparents are for). I'm simply writing this blog to re-evaluate the needs and wants of my life. The modes of how I'm going to get what I want and finding out exactly what that "want" really truly is. Determining how far down to Hell I'll go to grab a piece of this world for my own. Because ultimately my name is going in a book. And hopefully I'll grab a Nobel Prize with it.

The war isn't over. I just realized I need to either buy bigger & better gun or go hang a tail between my legs.
Go Hard or Go Home, world.

my life.

before i delve into another new SENIOR semester of college, I took the time to look back at my life and see all the components that got me to where i am today (on top of the world) and the people who have shaped that world beyond belief. You are my life and this one's for you:


Because my best friend cures my hangovers by pulling me out of bed.


Because I pretend that I'm their roommate and they let me.


Because we are the oddest gathering of people- we just love to eat.


Because my family naturally adopts them.


Because this 'apple' was the life of the party.


Because at my going-away party they make sure I can't go anywhere after.



Because I'll share a buffalo chicken pizza with you and no one else.


Because after garba, we paint the town.


Because they'll let me wear no real clothes and become my friends away from home.


Because no matter where you are in the world, i'll remember you.


Because we fake laugh+pose for the photo's sake.


Because every day feels like my birthday and someone's always gonna be there to cake my face.

The World Is Mine.

I feel that my blog is about one thing over all others- how life changes and my interpretation (aka venting) of that. If it's one thing anyone knows about me is that I challenge the meaning of life only because I hate change, don't know why it happens yet still I can't live without change, no one can. Change brought me to this moment and without it I'd be nothing. If it's one thing anyone's taught me it's to Just Go With The Flow. Because no matter what, it's going to either flow with me or without me so I need to get with it. And most often I usually do. There are, however, moments of relapse when I look down from the 9th cloud and see what used to be me. It shows me how far a lot of people have fallen.

Facebook is nothing except a constant, almost DAILY reminder of who I was, how I am now, and who people turn into being. In a single word it is change.

-I see old friends still doing the same shit they've done since I met them, left them and then came back renounced. I miss the memories and innocence of that back then time but what I should remember is- now is better. I'm looked up to and I inspire. This is my dream. I have proven to be a diamond in the rough and someone who was able to push through, stand up and keep it moving with a strong 110% push. When they see me, I smile because in their eyes I have made it farther than most will even dare to dream.

-I see my main friends right beside me, a phone call away and forever changing. I'm living the life and they live it with me. They keep my head above water and push me through all the obstacles because they know what I want more than anything is to come out on top. They can be miles apart or a touch away, yet they should always know that I keep them close and anticipate to keep them here forever. I've found love in the people I'm with and removed hatred from my vocabulary and mind space. I've found some dahyi pori's that have kept me on a righteous path with a lot of room to have fun! They find curiosity in what makes me the way I am and I find curiosity in them. I try to extract a lesson from each of them that will help me grow into something better. And this is what I've become.

-I see new friends starting strong- graduating, getting married, and starting little family empires of their own which helps me shape the dreams of who I see myself being in the near future. I see them aspire to new heights and take on challenging tasks and jobs. Their schedules begin to conflict with mine and feels like forever since we've spoken but it just prepares us for the stage in life where it won't be EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT hanging around but now a weekly to monthly phone call. I see strange faces on the side bar of people that I'll probably meet at the next shin-dig and who may one day become an integral part of this life I lead. I see blank space that will be filled, making way for more change.

I have to log off sometime because it's straining both visually and mentally- all these faces, memories, and just SOCIAL THINGS going by. I can't grasp the concept that I once used to be surrounded by a certain aura of people and now those faces have all changed and day by day they continue to do the same thing. I've never had a set group of friends. Being a butterfly, it's kind of hard to. My best friends and I have become strangely CLOSER than ever and for that I Thank God, her and myself for holding it together. Close friends begin to drift and catch on with the space and we both begin to close the gap as well as take our friendship to the next level under the strain of busy lifestyles. I see past friendships go from appearing at the very top of the headlines to none existent and that's ok too. Oh you went to Paris? You got a divorce? Your dog died? Bachelorette Party in Vegas next weekend? Oh shit! I'm sure they think the same of me. But 'other people's lives and what they think' is not what this blog is about either.

This blog is about me. It's about me and my life. It's about Nikita finally owning up to the fact that I can't grab everyone I want and demand God create me a garden to let us all live and prosper there happily. No, because even that didn't work back in the B.C era. The world is always changing and I am never standing perfectly still. Nor would I want to. Change is good and it happens to everyone. Who I stand by and for will change depending on the way shit works out tomorrow. I just hope you're there to tough it out with me because if you're in this life of mine now, you can bet your bottom dollar I want you here forever. If not, you gotta keep it moving as unfortunate as that is to say, it is the 100. This is my life. I'm truly blessed.

Lastly I leave you with a quote, this time it's my own.

September 1st 2010: "Just arrived on my new campus; this world is mine for the taking."



And I have to remember that though people change, the weather, our wolfpack, my style, my slang, my relationships all may change- one thing is for certain always; I am living my dream and that dream is always changing, never ending, and going to take me where I'm supposed to be. This world is mine for the taking.
Hope you're enjoying the ride.

Sitcom

"Your life should be a T.V. show," she said to me.

My life damn well should be. And it shouldn't be one of those sappy soap operas or those corny teenage dramas but a real show. Completely unlike Keeping Up with the Kardashians or Flavor of Love. Something that mixes How I Met Your Mother-esque humor with Outsourced grandmothers, Entourage-styled out pretty boys, and Gossip Girl chicks minus the gossip and a girl like me who believes every challenge that ends up on her plate is like an intense episode of Survivor where the outcome is always uncertain. There shall be no Super Sweet 16's and no fancy cars sponsored by Pimp My Ride. It should be a ghetto version of MTV Cribz or not ghetto, maybe Indian. It should be centered around the concept in Tupac Shakur's poem about a true rose that grew from concrete. Something that would blow Paris Hilton's life as an heiress out of the water. Because I'm not ghetto but I've had my hard knock times. Because I'm not the most amazing person in the world, just one of them. Because I'm nothing special to all the people in the world but to a couple hundred I know i mean the world. And for that, i am blessed.

My life is dramatic but it is never so in a bad way.

I realize I'm pretty damn entertaining and the stories I tell have value, they have weight, they have depth, they are full of morals and, above all, they are real. I humor people and make fun of myself. I educate people and act like an intense know-it-all. My life is full of a lot of conversations. It seems I meet new people every other day. On top of that I make stronger deeper ties with those I've already come to know. And I remove everything of insignificant value because my life is being shaped. I'm growing mentality and I'm learned to hone the ability to pick and chose who sticks around in this life of mine. After all, "it's all in the company you keep..."

God knows he's letting me live like a Diva.

So today I must be thankful, today I must realize that life has been granted to me not once, but twice this time around. That my parents bust their ass so that I can have this sitcom style life and a hundred viewers right off the bat. My life is beautiful and today I'm thankful to all you for that.

Master Cleanse.

Day One
Wendy's Spicy Chicken Nuggets. Baja Fresh Grilled Veggie Burrito. Cotixan Nachos. Panda Express Kung Pao Chicken. Arroz Con Pollo. Wheat Thins. Almonds. A Carrot. These are a few of the things my mind has started to crave at random during the 8th hour of my Master Cleanse. I decided to blog through my process in hope of finding some cyber strength to get me past these next seven days.

Pre-Cleanse
Yesterday I woke up. I thought about the Vegas weekend approaching. Did some online shopping for a seductive red dress to wear for that weekend. And the frowned about how un-skinny bitchin' I am. That's when they got home from their first day of college and were heading out to get some grub. On our way, Brandon stated how "Men's Health claimed that Baja Fresh was the Best Lunch" because of how healthy it was, they don't use lard, etc. etc. I felt a little better.
Babe gets home and wants to go to Trader Joe's, he's gonna do the Master Cleanse and needs Grade B Pure Maple Syrup. The $16 a bottle kind. I roll my eyes and walk to the car. Thinking about those microwavable cheesy enchiladas I love or even those Mango Cream Bars that I would literally die for at this moment.
I call Arisha and ask her if she knows a cheap place to buy lemons since they're outrageously priced at TJ's and the Master Cleanse recipe calls for close to 3 lemons a day, i guess? She seems gung-ho about it and wants Mike to give her the recipe so she could do it too. BRAIN JUICE. If she can do, then I sure as hell can! And she doesn't need to lose any more weight, whereas I definitely could shed a few inches. So I tell him to buy a few extra lemons and another liter water bottle, because I'm going all in. My reasoning; the money I save from not buying food this week can be gambled with later on the Blvd. Score! Thanks for the motivation Arisha! I also decide that instead of rolling my eyes as Mike braces himself for a week of pain, I might as well experiment with it myself and be of some support to him since he's been wanting to this for a long time.
At home we decide we should have something good yet hearty and healthy for dinner, Pho sounds like a great idea that we both seem to be in the mood for. That is, until Momma Solis lets us know there's alot of pizza from Costco downstairs. Alright, Men's Health magazine says Pizza isn't that bad as long as you half the cheese and double on the sauce. Go Lycopene rich Tomatoes. However, this was standard all cheese and sauce pizza, sans Men's Health modification. We ate it anyway. Babe topped it off with a Diet Coke. I abstained. Soda= Liquid Satan.
This was an early dinner. We had some time to check out that Monkey Picked Oolong from Teavana that we've had our eye one. We come home with a new teapot, the rarest Oolong and some Youthberry. Cheers!
If i hadn't been so full of the 32oz. of tea I had just consumed maybe I would have had a vanilla/chocolate Haagendaz bar. But I decided with the cleanse looming ahead I could do without it.
Fuck! Me!

00 hrs.
Something about the smell of lemons excites me. It's fresh, it's bright. It's ANTIBACTERIAL. I love it. So here we go 10:49am, juicing fresh lemons and spooning tablespoons of Maple Syrup into the gallon of water. Sprinkle some Cayenne and I'm excited for this spicy lemonade. I drink my first big glass and it seems alright. Babe made it sound like the worst. But maybe his body just rejects the taste now. We set off to do some home improvement that's been put off all summer. I leave the kitchen thinking 'this week's gonna be a piece of cake'

04 hrs.
Time to take a break and the hunger pains have started to slowly seep through. The brew has been refrigerating for a while so it's icy cool. It feels good going down. I chug it and laugh. Master Cleanse is pussy shit. I feel good for my intestines. I'm happy that they'll finally get fully cleaned. I anticipate my first few poops because I heard their supposed to be the gnarliest. Back to work.

06 hrs.
Ikea instructions stump us. The leveler laser thingy doesn't work. Babe & I's pressure runs high and Momma Solis is making chicken in the kitchen. I don't know if I've ever tasted it but my mind tells me it's my favorite thing in the whole world. I ignore it and start reading some random sex books we dig up from the back of Babe's closet. We begin to stay out of each other's way as he gets fed up with the setting up of the mirror, it truly is a lot harder than it looks. We leave each other alone and within an hour come back to full center again.

09 hrs.
Another break, this time we've actually cleared the entire bed so we can lay for a bit. Hot Chicks on HBO, we turn it off and sit in the silence of his nicely almost cleaned and dusted room. The full length mirror is finally up and all I think is Wendy's Chicken Nuggets. On most days I know to stay away from these bad boys. I think it's the toxins seeping out through my body that have decided to play tricks on my brain before getting flushed down that drain later tonight.
Ghirardelli Mint Chocolate Squares. See's Candy Butterscotch Lollipops. Costco Pizza, how i wish I had scarfed down an extra slice last night. I feel the weight sink in. I want to see results now! I don't want to walk down the stairs, to the kitchen, past that yummy chicken and rice to get some more lemonade. Fuck, my stomach growls out "No, what are you doing to me..." at least that's what I interpret she's saying. I'll have to get another glass down before 8pm. After that, it's all tea and water. I think I'll get a blog in first. Otherwise I might sneak a chip in. I don't think it would be too detrimental, right? But I think about Mike and realize he'd probably want me to be a little stronger than that so I get it out of my head and let my fingers feast on the keys.

So here I am. Day One. Wishing I had eaten more on my last day before I started this. Contemplating if I could shorten the diet down to three days instead of having it consume my whole LAST week of summer. Reaching for that Ziplock bag of wheat thins that someone left out on the kitchen counter and then running away. Thinking about Mike and how he's done this before and had crazy results, how he's trying to get back into his rhythm, telling me that this diet will make me think about food in a completely different way, how by the time my online order of skank-wear arrives I'll have a Vegas Ready body that I'll love.

But what about those Chilaquiles. God damnit, how I knew I should have had one last serving from Los Primos. I think it must be my favorite breakfast food.
The mind may be a terrible thing to waste but my stomach is a horrible bitch to upset because now she's playing games with my brain. I'll have to get through it, we both will.

Neil N Nikki

If I had to give him a title, it'd be too complicated. No, exactly that 'too complicated.' He was a stranger I befriended and let into my heart, then I kept him there. He's my pick me up at 2am when Starbucks is closed. I felt in a fantasy that our fate was sealed the day I inspired him thru my writing to write a blog. Since then we've been seperated by a mere 400 miles and not much else. And I realize his true purpose is to be my best man not the groom. We weren't conventional and that was needed and necessary. Single life had the best of us. Had our emotions got the best of us, this blog could have been written from either of two extremes. I feel its only necessary to some what publically thank him for putting up with problems I'm sure he wouldn't take from anyone else. Especially during times when common sense evades me, I'm thankful he's there to tell me the shit I dont wanna hear. Through relationships, the goods and bads, and the drunk debocales I bring to his doorstep, I know I can count on him to answer even the stupidest phone calls. And thats all a girl wants.

Today he's inspired me to get back to me. The way he's used to.
Neil N Nikki. I love you like a brother, incestuously.

Battle of the Sexes

Every girl is allowed to RANT! endlessly, but i agree that no one has to hear it. So for those who feel inclined to read, here you go.

Boys Suck.

Boys who pretend they are men SUCK HARDER

Spoilt brat boys who want you to jump when they say jump, should shove a giant carrot up their ass! Ok, i went too far.

First and foremost, boys who make girls cry have a special place in Hell. You already know that's where you're headed, quit being at tough ass and get over yourself- everyone wants Heaven. How to get out of it? Fix the problem, that problem is most likely you.

You break it, you fix it. End of story.

It is no way in HELL ever OKAY to let someone you love walk away and not come running after them UNLESS you do it at least 3x a week, then you should tell that bitch to kick rocks. Other than that, if you wanna be Prince Charming, grab your shoes, a jacket and hopefully some CHOCOLATE & run after her. Girls are destructive on their own. Girls walk out because they test your ability to love them or they're just plain fed up with your ass & want you to stop-- if you wanna prove to them they mean something, you better be right behind her. If not, you're only building more insecurity for your relationship when the fight blows over. Truth is; the longer it takes you to get her is exponentially proportional to how much faith she has in you. You have now lost a majority of her trust, getting it back is an uphill battle.

I believe guys get into relationships not knowing what they're getting into. Of course, there are perks! Yes, you have that one girl to prove to your friends you aren't gay. You have sex (almost) whenever you want it. You have someone to do things and share moments with. You have a best friend who holds your best interest at heart. You have the butterflies. You get the kisses. Being in love itself is a major perk because it makes your body feel good!

For the boys who want to pretend they are men; being with women has its perks but it comes at a price! It's not a heavy one, unless you make it that way. When they feel like crying, they cry. Remember, we're hormonal. When you make them cry, you = the devil and you are the only person who can fix that, you are responsible-- even though you think the Best Friend Phone Call fixed everything, it really didn't.

Another thing about hormones, we aren't the only ones who have them. You do too. Watch yourself. Be careful with what you say because no matter what you're going to have to make amends for it later. Guys are the biggest bitches, they are the whiniest babies, they are the spoilt brats, they are the true princesses. Girl on the other hand are commonly made out to be all these things so we're constantly in hyperdrive trying to change that view. You are the infant. You are the immature one for bringing those aforementioned qualities up over and over.

More on Crying:

If she looks like she's gonna cry, she's not doing it to MANIPULATE you, no- she's crying because you HURT her feelings. Only a select few crazy ones manipulate- don't confuse US.

If your mom was crying and your dad was ignoring her, would you not go comfort your mom?

If your sister was crying and her boyfriend was MOCKING her, wouldn't you beat his ass?

If your daugther was crying, wouldn't you be the first one trying to make it better??

Be A Man.

If you love her, you have to get up, BE A MAN, and fucking prove it.

You're her boyfriend, you know her best. And if you don't, time will reveal to her that you weren't worth it ever.

Two last things on Women -

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" -Marilyn Monroe.

Eventually one of two things will happen; either he'll realize you're worth it or you'll realize he isn't. Either way, you lose.

Life As I know it

It's been so long since I blogged I forgot how to log-in. I get inspired reading other people's works, thanks to you! It makes me realize how much weight can be lifted by simply letting your fingers instead of my mouth do all the talking. Right before finals, this seems like the perfect moment to spew out some baggage that I've been carrying around for way too long. Hopefully tonight I'll get a good nights sleep.

As a recap of my life:

Mexico was great and I wanna go back. White sand beaches like I've never seen before. Life is beautiful and don't realize the full capacity of it until your out there in the middle of endless ocean. It's amazing.

I've realized that now that I've chosen to demand more from my education, it's not a one way street anymore. My education demands just as much out of me as I do of it. I'll be needed to step my game up if I wanna keep up with her and be that someone I intended to be.

Relationships are for suckers and I'm striving to be a winner. Trying to find the balance between the two adds another fatty, carb-filled side dish to my plate that I've gotta get through before I get the sweetest dessert. There are ups and many downs and only I am solely responsible for getting myself through them. Relationships are learning experiences and I've definitely honed in on what kind of woman I want to be through this and after it.

My dreams have turned on me. Everything's visually blurry but my mind makes the focus clear enough to comprehend in my head that something is evil. They are people from the past that I've disengaged with. They appear at the corners of my seemingly ordinary dream-life, then they turn sour. People I used to know and love begin by cutting me in line at the dream-grocery store. While walking through my mind's endless hallway, she'll go out of her way to bump me, step on my shoe, or push me & then disappear. All these people attempt to break my stride but I keep going until I'm woken up because Mike realizes I've been whimpering in my sleep, my mind has been wanting this to stop. The clear explanation can only mean that the demons have realized that I'm moving forward at an accelerated rate and the only time I allow myself to be vulnerable is in my dreams. All those people I've left in the past to "do me" have turned my subconscious mind wicked with guilt.

But what are dreams? How does such a brilliant mind by day turn dark by night?

Dreams are merely experiences that your subconscious mops up almost randomly. In the night it dumps them into your REM cycle and your mind tries to sort out where these images belong in your memory system.

For months I've been trying to expel past experiences, relationships, and ways of life that I have now dubbed negative. I've had my eye set on the future and prepared myself to keeping only relevant, enlightening material for my brain to feed off of. It seems to be a lot harder than I thought. Day by day i'm reminded of familiar faces and the stories break out of my mouth. At night my mind mulls over the importance of these remembrances and has no clue what to do with them.

I just woke up from another dream, this time I had to break out of it alone. A woman I love who has always presented herself with compassion and an endless supply of maternal care turned sour on me. I had never felt so scared and alone before. What's happening?

My City.

This is my city. Everything I've come to know and love started here. I've been back for about a day and everything feels different, a strange familiar that I've never experienced before. I guess this starts here too.
This city means everything to me; heart and soul.
It's people show me that I am truly loved and that this is where I belong.

Thoughts on Love

Love. The most painful thing a human heart can go through. And I wish that was an exaggeration.

Love is painful, no matter how sweet & spicy, honey-filled, chocolate-covered, sugar coated it can be. All the roses in the world wouldn't make it any less heart-wrenching than it already is, neither would any drug. But we all love love. Philosophically humans ultimately want happiness, and no matter how you may argue it and what you may say, we can only be completely happy when we have love; when we feel it or we give it. Even though it's as painful as it is, love is a strong component to happiness, the top-most rung of the ladder. So how do we learn to live with this infectious disease? Affection. We crave it and it does it's job by fulling us to the point of utmost content. It fuels are heart-filled cars so we can go that extra mile every Valentine's Day to do something special for that person we love- flowers, chocolates, hugs- romance. It makes tough men crumble to their knees and all women fall head over heels for Mr. Right (or a Mr Wrong in a disguise).

People who need minimal affection, exude minimal affection and find partners who require little of it- a smile or simple touch. Those who give off too much affection often fall victim to either receiving a lack of the same magnitude of affection or from "strangling the puppy" until their necks break, leaving them heartbroken and in search of what can fulfill their achy, breaky heart. Again, love is painful- end of story. Mistaking love for lust or infatuation is even more so. But I'm a scientist and Love is an experiment in living. You are the scientist and many will go mad searching for a way to chemically induce the reaction. But most of us just learn from trial and error, some keep lab journals in the form of diaries, many people learn to avoid certain subjects for experimentation, sometime's it's toxic, hazardous and must be thrown away using proper contamination methods, and everyone's up to date on lab safety- knowing when it's time to pull the emergency shower and let things burn. However, sometimes you become wise enough to finally get that formula just right. Everything else spontaneously occurs. A + B --> C forever; chance & life itself, being the only limiting reagents.

I try and I strangle.

I try and I run from being strangled.

I try, each time giving it my all. Each time falling short of perfect.

I started believing I had gotten things terribly wrong. My calculations off, my technique messy, my formula backwards. I met someone with an entirely different theory. He wasn't into science. But logically it all made sense.

In relationships you should be grateful not that you are loved, but for the ability to love that other person, to have received a chance to be in love with them- a chance that no one else gets to have except you. You were chosen by them but that's the only card they can play in your happiness. You are in control of your life, your love and your happiness. You can choose whether that person is perfect and makes you feel like no one else can, makes you give them all the love your heart can muster. Altruistic love versus selfish love. It's not so much about being loved and feeling the affection they give you, it's being able to love someone that makes us whole. It let's us know that beneath all the flesh and bone- the muscle & strength, there is heart pumping & beating, loving. That person's love may never amount to yours nor should it matter, but by loving them you should feel your heart fill up. It is of your own doing. Only you can make yourself happy. The more love you share the more that other person will want to feel the same as you and share love back. It's similar to the holidays, giving gifts to others feels better than opening one for yourself.

Love is still painful, only if you want it selfishly. Love has it's pleasant side. It can be painless if you agree that the simple moments you share with someone are filled with bliss that you procure from just loving them. You fill your affection by giving all you've got, whether or not they can amount to giving you that much back. As long as they feel your love and affection and you can give it to them, it's all you need. Love is all you have to give. Love is all you need.

A heart for a heart.

He's got the most amazing eyes ever, but I doubt anyone knows it but me. They're just average, no brilliant greens reflecting back when the sun hits, nothing notable about their size and shape. It must be the way I catch them looking at me or maybe the stories they read when I'm looking at them.

When we met I never thought a feeling like this could overcome me and I tried my hardest to prevent it, because love is uncontrollable, it's relentless, it's painful and above all it's time consuming. But it struck unexpectedly and has me thinking that maybe this was meant to be all along. I sit here bewildered that everything happens in my life at an accelerated rate. God must know that I'm impatient or maybe it's my own lack of patience that catalyzes every relationship that's ever past my view- growing impatient with them when things don't go my way and pouncing on certain opportunities without weighing out the cost of the consequences properly. Impuslivity's a bitch- having met you now, I wish I had waited. I found something or maybe it was you who found me- it was prowling and hungry, in need of what I could bring and for a second I though to run away from it only to fall down because what i saw was the exact mirror reflection of me. I was hunting and close to starving, in need of what it has now brought me.
Something i always knew i needed, something i was afraid to give anyone else.
A heart for a heart.

Falling Out

I've been asked to rethink the reasons for blogging. I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish by letting you, complete strangers, into my seemingly average life. I'm not sure what compels you to read it either. People like gossip but I'm not writing a bunch of he said, she said bullshit. What intrigues you to check in, read a few lines or the entire blog in one night, asking for more? What comes away from this reading? Am I just another angry girl crying out for attention? Someone to listen? Or is it something else?

Think what you want and do what you please with the information that you read here and, believe it or not, I honestly think this happened because I like to type. So I type, hacking away at the keyboard almost furiously at times but when I hit that Publish Post button it's like I've tossed a weight over the bridge and into the sea. It's therapeutic. My mind can move onto something else.

I've run out of ideas.

I'm done with excuses.

My time has become too precious.

And I've fallen in love.

I'll come back when I have solid evidence for what significance this holds in my life.