Choices & Choosing; Love Vs. Lust

On the eve of my departure from my beautiful city by the bay I'm sitting here conflicted once again. Moving has probably landed itself as one of the greatest feats I've accomplished and I'm digging the moments that make up my life currently; this is college. I've never been homesick since I've left and leaving the airport Friday I couldn't decide where I'd rather be. I've realized my relationship with both has become a hardship; meethi si mushkil, a sweet difficulty in choosing which one is better suited for me. Isn't this always the case?
Friday night the city put on it's best show in order to impress me and it was hottt shit; a whole 10 degrees warmer than down south. I spent the night "peruse-ing" the streets, meeting up with friends & enjoyed feeding off their energy 'til the wee hours of the morning when I, reluctantly, made way home, slept til 2 in the afternoon & did nothing but drive around in my car, pick up my closest compadres & EAT! The whole time I was with her it felt like any other day, "there's no place like home" but still I had a quesy feeling in my stomach & an unease over my heart & San Diego constantly on my mind. My soul will forever stay in San Francisco, my roots are everlasting; but it seems like she's got some competition that she's got to keep up with because the messages of "i miss you" come from both sides sending me mixed signals. I can't tell who to believe and which path I want to go down since I can tell there's gonna be a fork in the road up ahead.
It's a fork that will decide much more than this.
My life's entangled but I rather it be like this than in shambles. I have options, space to play in and things to choose from. And being as indecisive as I am; this is a challenge.
It's another game of love versus lust.
There's the one I love over the one I lust. Both sweet & sour; pure at heart, & intriguing. A something old, a something new. Yet, one, no doubt, has greater value to me than the other; no one beats the stature. But I can't let one go without feeling the regret of losing the other because selfishly I'd like to keep them both. There's two; the one who loves and the one who lusts and I'm torn because I also love and lust. And while I want both; I can't have my cakes and eat 'em too because I have sari's & blouses I need to fit in by the time navrati rolls around next month and can't afford the extra caloric intake. If I had a gun to my head, I'd know exactly which one I'd rather be stuck with & I'm sure he knows that too; they both do and sometimes that's shameful to admit to the loser but nothing's that serious so why do I choose to overthink it. It's always fun until someone gets hurt; so let's just play.
This isn't just a tale of two cities; it goes much deeper to describe everything my life has come to at this point. Choices & choosing. While I sit on the phone and weigh out the options with her; it's me who has to ultimately decide which path I want to cross & which bridge I prefer burning. As many outcomes as I can possibly give him as to what will most likely occur in a given situation; he can give me expert analysis from the feild but I'm going to be the one who will test out my hypotheses & will bear the consequences or reap the benefits of my life experiments.
It's another decision I think of while watching the season premier of Grey's Anatomy, which will slowly become the epitome of my Thursday Nights. I live to cut, for surgeries and stories of life threatening implications and microbugs galore. To watch them cut through the front of some teenager's face and show it! It could be all mine. I could be the one who waits for him to recover & explain to him how the tumor was removed successfully; I'd given him life. I can play God but it's a decision that's drastic. It's something that needs to be carefully thought out, planned for, and executed in top-class fashion. I can do it but its also sacrificial. Give up one for the other; choices & choosing. Go hard; or go home. To cut or be cut. Surgery vs Research. Which is love, which is lust? Another hardship because, although one day I might wrap my fingers daintly around that scapel, the weight of having that person's life on my table in my hands will bear down on my shoulders to such an extent that will make me readjust my posture & choose the alternate course; the less prestigious; disease research. It's safe, it's predictable. It's a job where I only endanger myself yet lose the respect of others.
It's all intertwined if you look at it closely. Is all the lust worth all that love has to offer? Which has the better outcome?
Love is undefinable. Lust is a thirst; only love can quench if it's strong enough. Love is pure while Lust is a deadly sin. I guess I've got to look hard enough to harness it's powers, make it my own, and unleash it only in dire situations or just let love put the fire out for good. I can't let it have control or power. I'm not it's object, and I refuse to let you believe me to be one.

99 Problems.

What if what I think is great but isn’t as great as something greater?

Because I found what I thought was great. He sits there and does the things that makes me mad, says things that make me smile, and wipes up all the mess my mind spills out like carnage when I’m in the worst of phases because he's a good friend. He tells me not to fall but I trip anyway knowing full and well the consequence that I may just land face first on the asphalt. He appears out of thin air and it’s as if all the pieces fall into place; but always, always just for the moment because we have our own things to do. Because when something else comes along He disappears just as quickly. I threw him into the closet along with all the clothes that just came freshly laundered to make space for us on the bed and pretended like I never even knew his name because for now what's great is what's laying next to me in the early hours of the morning keeping me warm. I could play this role well. I could execute it perfectly for quite a while. Because I dig my nails into your back like hooks and feed off you like the vampire I swear I am until you run dry. Because I can. Because this is college and I’m young. There are no strings attached. Fairytales don’t exist. And chivalry only reminds me of how he opens and closes my doors; just like you did last night and I gave you a sour face you couldn’t decipher after.

Today something inside me stirred rather uncomfortably. As much as I want to make this out to be greater than great it’s not. It’s plausible. Business-wise it’s probably a smarter choice. It’s got more footing, better standing, sits within the boundaries that I’m sure everyone would be happy with. It’s safe. Yet it drives a furiously loud car that makes me bite my lips when we ride. I can hear it coming from down the midway but it’s not what I’m used to. But it tastes different and leaves a stinging sensation on my tongue. Leaves me with a bittersweet goodbye that occurs with no promise of what’s going to happen to the pieces of the puzzle that I plan to leave unsolved. Because this is everything I never wanted.

As much as it makes this whole game difficult. As much as I hate the fact that I compare apples to apples and find out that their all just oranges. As much as I hate keeping these standards that high up where virtually no one has ever been able to cross... I guess above it all it is a great thing that's saving me. Above it all there's a friendship that can't be broken, there's love that I'll refuse to be ruined, there's someone whose not gonna let me forget why I'm here, doing what I'm doing.

So I'll just let 'em all go.

Adrenaline

Pre-Flight:

it's about ninety something degrees out here and I can feel the inside of my body heat up as adrenaline courses through my veins. I'm jumping out of a plane at 13,000 or so feet. I didn't have time to make a will so for now I suppose this will suffice. I'm jumping because it takes serious balls. Because I'm with my 3 best friends [who managed to hype this up enough for my ears to perk]. Because it's September & I started a new life for myself just last week in San Diego [and it seemed like a perfect way to let loose the tension]
if I die all of my money, which is not a whole hell of a lot should go into cancer research... Specifically not for anyone whose ever been a smoker. I'm sorry [maybe when Dad has it I'll change my mind]. It should go to help children who have no control. My organs should be first donated away to help whoever can take whatever they need. Apart from my liver and brain which are probably still soaked in alcohol. Everything else in my body should go to science.
to those I love, I love you. And th...[at is all.]

Post Jump:

Yea call me crazy but let's do it again? Next time we should definitely go higher. If it wasn't so expensive this would definitely be a hobby for us. Krishna had a great pre-birthday weekend. And i'm glad I was there to enjoy it with her. I can't believe how nervous I was as I saw those houses turn into little dots. I was tempted to ask who else had died from this very jump, at this location. How many people wound up with broken legs or in need of a defibrillator at the end. But the rush you feel during you're free fall is like no other rush you can feel in your life, not to mention the stress relief. I almost forgot that I had a bunch of Calc homework to do while I was up there coming back down to earth.

Reflect:

In the air, I feel weightless. Even when I'm flying to and from NorCal to SoCal I can feel the weight lift off my shoulders during take off and I feel like up there I'm as close to heaven as I'll ever get. I write with fluidity and produce my best work up there because my mind is light. I also get a great power nap (if there isn't a fussy baby sitting next to me throwing apple juice out of her sippy cup all over the seats) and the dreams I procure are....nevermind.

When I was signing up for the jump you read through the legal documents in fine print, giving up your writes with your two letter initials at any attempt to sue the company or instructor, about the fact that you're initials at the end of this sentence mean that it's ok if your chute doesn't open and you land face first on earth and die, because HEY, shit happens. The legality of it all make you wonder what your life is worth, what does it mean to just sign on the dotted line and say that Hey Mom & Dad, Thanks for paying x amount of dollars for my tuition, years worth of headache & fighting trying to talk me out of my crazy schemes, and the time it took to raise such a self-righteous woman because for this jump, just for the thrill of it, i'm gonna throw it all away.

Cancer & Diabetes, the people with their smiles, the pictures attached to great memories, the new beginnings in San Diego all hung in the air as my hand shook furiously & scrawled Nikita Patel just shy of the bold X and dotted line. I was definitely nervous that all of my life's work, the future dreams I had, the people I'd never get a chance to meet, the men and women I would one day raise from small neophytes... could possibly be over, cease to exist, never be in the next 5 minutes.

I know I'm not ready to die. I should have known that I was never ready. HE knows he's not ready to take me away. My work is unfinished.

My best friend gave me the best advice. He said each day's a gift and not a given right. Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind. And try to take the path less traveled by.That first step you take is the longest stride.
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past, Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day... -Nickleback