Outta Control.

Don't get me wrong, I love my city. San Francisco is my life and I have thrived well in it, up 'til now. But when I'm there I feel congested. My chest constricts air and I can't breathe. Maybe it's the pollution, maybe it's the fog, maybe it's the people or the small spaces I'm confined within each city block. I've grown out of my shell and now I need to expand. So I'm here again in Dallas, TX breathing some almost fresh air. I woke up to the hot Texan sun (103 degrees F) and I feel the weight that's lifted. I feel the change that has taken place since the last time I was here two months ago. I'm different.

I've got a little over two weeks before the big move to San Diego and no one cares about this more than I do. I've checked out my campus and I'm in love with it. I'm going to immerse myself in education and become something more than anyone else I know. And as much as I want to grab all my favorite people and take 'em along on this ride, I know now that most of them won't be able to handle it because this book isn't written for them; it's written for me. And maybe just maybe they aren't strong enough to deal. I'm fast paced & I'm spontaneous. I'm spoilt, I'm a princess. I want more than what's in store for me and I expect it. I push God to the limit and I know he's got alot to tell me when this life is over. I'm a perfectionist and I'm a winner but I'm all of these things because, most of all, I'm a go-getter. "Whatever she wants, you know she gets" only because I make it so. Where there is a will, there is a way, my way.

I'm headed back to SF for the weekend to work my last few days and then I might even take another trip to the East coast: maybe New York, maybe Florida, just because I can. I need to clear my head and I've done this all on my own, without the help of anyone.

I'm sick of being there for people; bending backwards at their every need, only to find out that they aren't bending back. I've realized I'm the only 'down-ass' and I make it happen for myself. Whatever I say I'm gonna do is executed down to the very last tee. The people who say they're 'coming-with' rarely ever show so what's the point in believing in them anymore. That's fine. Everyone is everyone; and everything is everything; and everything is not always what it seems or goes the way you think it will. From now on it's me against the world. Fuck friends. Fuck love. Fuck family; well most of them at least.

People let you down whether they're blood-related or those who pinky promise you the world.

So like any angry girl, I deleted my face book. Don't think you know what's going on merely by checking my status updates or photos. We're not all tight and shit because you make up one of the 700. If you want to be a part of this life because you think you can handle it then make the time, let your presence in my life be felt through more than just flat words on a computer screen. I'm done with everyone and from this point on I'm not going back and I'll never be the same. It's a new chapter in the novel, we'll see who sticks around and I'll see who goes.

I guess Marilyn said it best, "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."