I asked you earlier and let you know how fantastic of advice you give. Your wonderful, beautiful, smart intelligent, gifted and yet something about you feels captivating. Keep up your hard work, you will do well in life.

I honestly thank you. Seems you know a lot about me. Things like this truly make my day. I'll definitely keep up my work and hope that you're right about doing well in life. If i ever amount to something noteworthy, it'll be thanks to people like you.

Got Questions?

April Showers, May Flowers.

April is coming fast and it's great because it's the time everyone comes together. A year ago we signed our names in blood at the basketball tournament and posted all the pictures as an official treaty that we're all in this together. We started a movement and through the course of one year we've split up, reconnected, and brought most of ourselves back to center within this seven mile radius of a city. We're wiser. We're stronger. We're different. I'm reincarnate.

A year has past since I began my erosion of the former Nikita and recreated myself in this new image, Nikita 2.0. I've been revived by the grace of God and given a second shot of life. For the most part, I'm exuberant, happy and forever grateful. Life has more value, my conscience has regained consciousness, and my religion, love, and wrath has matured.

"The heart in me is strong today... No regrets, I'm blessed to say, the old me dead and gone away."

Summer is coming and when it hits, it'll feel like a new year. However, I've still got to deal with April filled with the stress of all the projects & presentations I have to complete, the rain that will pour relentlessly as summer speeds in and takes over. I'll have to step my game up at work as I take on new responsibilities that will make me even more overly-efficient. I've got my gym buddy back and he will push me past the limits of exhaustion. And I'll have to allot time to make up for everything I've missed in the people who are venturing back into my life.

Apart from all this is my family. As a girl who dreams up fairytales while she daydreams I was all too excited to hear the news this morning. On the same weekend in May we will be celebrating my parent's 25th anniversary, housewarming my aunt's first home, and, now, congratulating the soon-to-be newlyweds who will be officially engaged that day. A week later my sister will be graduating high school and entering into the adult world.

It's going to be a wonderful kick off to summer where I plan to legally drive a motor vehicle, get back into the groove of dance, and officially learn to shred on my la guitara like no one's ever seen before.

It's going to keep me on my toes. I'm bloodthirsty for what tomorrow brings.

I'm on a hype, I feel the high, and I'm completely sober for now.

Nikita's back.

Time Capsule.

Almost ten years ago my sister and I filled two shoe boxes worth of our most important memories of the time and scheduled it to be opened in 2010. She's been bugging me every since New Years to open it and today happened to be the day.
I had just got back from our much needed LA joyride where I visited the happiest place on Earth where life was held on pause, uncomplicated my life just slight enough to make it seem ever more complicated now that it's "facebookly over," drove across the bridge bumping the classic bay slaps, lit up with the birthday boy at Ocean Beach and got instantly pulled into the whirlwind that is my college life as of this point.

I gave up drinking and red meat for Lent only because I felt thats what my Hindu side would want me to do, hung out with my mains at a bonfire the night before, attended a Holi function this morning and got doused in color and submerged back into my life. I came home and unpacked LA slowly. Trying to remember each event or memory as I threw all my outfits into the laundry bag and replaced every one of my seven pairs of shoes on the shelf where they belong.

I'm sitting on the bed in a mess of stuff that I previously used to own as a kid trying to think if the person that made this expected that a person like me would be opening it.

Inside I found a chess set from when I joined the chess club in the third grade because I was and STILL AM a complete nerd, thousands of cards and notes we exchanged in class from friends I barely remember, origami cranes I obsessed over, gag items like fake cigs, itching powder, instant bloody nose, and magic ink that I loved to use on unexpected family members. Harry Potter and Pokemon trading cards galore, toy cars I collected, pictures in tiny handmade frames, and other little trinkets I treasured.

This was my childhood in a box.
The mood ring became the most intriguing object inside the box. It was a token of one of the most unbreakable friendships I've ever owned. Currently I'm wearing it on my pinky because it no longer fits on my index finger where I used to wear it. The color fell somewhere between amber yellow and brown the second I put it on and has remained bouncing back and forth as such throughout this process.

This is what google and I decided that it meant; I'm always mixed up with my emotions; I feel one way and my mind reacts in another. It's the wonderful world of Nikita so naturally I'm cool and confused, always bold and forever rebellious. I'm bittersweet about being back in the bay after my trip into bliss this past week. I'm worried that things are changing and it won't be the same. Life's moving too fast and I'm anxious to see what tomorrow holds but I'm troubled because I'm trying to mull over today while still attempting to have a firm grip on yesterday. I have a rising energy that allows me to get out of bed in the morning and go out of my way to make at least one person's day via a compliment, a text, or an unexpected surprise visit.

The time capsule, all the pictures taken, and the way I feel at this point makes me realize that I was built to live off memories, both as a child and an adult. I live off the picture frames in my room, my charm bracelet and my green thermos I can't live without, the things he said & she said that I collectively quote in my phone, and even the receipt I keep on my calendar since you keep mine on yours. It's just the way I keep my mind from wandering and am able to stay within the realm of sanity and reality.

The previous night I fell asleep influenced by the herb in a bed I missed because it feels like I'm sleeping in a cloud, next to a girl whose become almost too close to me, like family. She's my therapist. My first "go-to" person for life's problems, mainly because she always prescribes the right antidote for my issues- a ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, words that help. "Just go with the flow" ends every one of our therapy sessions and that's what we've been doing. That night we talked about a series of events. We got back from LA and pulled back into my life all too abruptly. We're both quite content but not ecstatic about the situation of things. There is something that needs to be changed but I'm not sure what it is. I'm thirsty for these get-aways and we always get our way with them but it's an expensive hobby so it won't last long. I got to figure out how to manage the world on my shoulders rather than run away from all the stress.

Today I'm sitting recapping everything from past to present, and soaking it all in. I'm relaxing right now and preparing to take on an intense schedule that won't quit until the end of May. Because maybe that's what I need to do is take the effort and instead of running away from everything I'm gonna drag my feet, pick up speed and run into it all head first. Time is only wasting and I'm not waiting for the eventually will fall into place... Ten years from now I'll open up another time capsule and I'll see that the world unfolded just as it should have. Just as I wanted it to. I just need to go with the flow and breathe.

damaged.

today i want to run some more.

i tried running but i guess i didn't go far enough.

i want to run further until i find the right arms. i want to run into them with an open mind and an open heart. i want to spill the beans on my mistakes, i want to cry over the spilled milk of my regrets, i want to slip and fall into someone i can trust with anything. someone whose ears will listen while my mouth screams out carnage. i want to have them know me for everything i am today, everything i stand for today, and remember me not as the monster that i was. i want to lean on someone who won't end up piercing me through the chest while i'm facing the other direction because today i can't stand, today i'm damaged. and today i'm in need. this doesn't happen to everyone. but today it's happening to me.

i don't know how i ended up on this road. if my mother knew she'd faint but everyone has a demon. everyone grows up, so i grew up. you see an all too familiar face, but i'm not her anymore, i'm me. i've fit perfectly into the shoes i was meant to fill and this city is too small for my feet to tread any longer. so i'm trying to run and i'm taking everything with me. it's the only way i'll be able to feel like im close to something real. only way i'll be comfortable besides myself.

"i want to find something I've wanted all along..."

The Stain You Can't Wipe Off

It's funny how much a young girl like me cried over them all, each almost a thousand times. A two week relationship that I depended on so heavily as being first love as a gawky high school freshman, an abusive "thug-love" relationship while I was running around the streets in the earliest of morning hours at the age of sixteen that compromised my life each day, the relationships filled with only high times and withdrawals states of mind that my mother wouldn't ever dare or dream of seeing me in, and even the one that seemed to be completely perfect but I burned the picture and walked away from it because my parents would never approve.
In between, you had your cheaters, you had your affairs, and you had your flings each demoralizing your self worth and degrading your being.
In between all those, while you were crying out all your tears you had your friends, your best friends, who supported you, who took you out for a night of absolute debauchery to make you feel better, and who each, in turn, one by one, backstabbed you... turning into the people they'd swore they'd never be.
I'm a runner. I imagine that one day in the future I'd wake up before sunrise and run around the beach with my dog on a leash beside me. I'd come home and start the day completely stress free with tons of energy and endorphins pumping. I ran track in high school. I run on the treadmill. I chase after my little brother in the parks on warm afternoons if he gets all his homework done early enough. Running frees my soul, relieves my stress, and burns all the fat.
So I run... I run from everyone.
When life gets me down and I can't stand to hear the talk, see the faces, or keep up the smile. I bounce.
He said I had just gone "MIA." I called it killing myself off and cutting ties from a world & it's people that I didn't want anything to do with anymore.
She called a few mornings ago. She wanted to see me. Of course, I'm not going to show up. She was my main girl. The person I always ran to and the one who opened so many doors and windows of opportunity for me. Her family treated me like I was one of their own. And she gave me the real advice that no one else could. But there were too many problems, there were too many complications I didn't want to deal with, and there was a past that I had slammed the book on hard and unfortunately, she became a part of a past I no longer wanted to remember.
It was she who had described me as the wine stain on the white carpet that always remained in the back of her mind. She couldn't get it out of her head. The thought that lingered and forever will remain there...
I've noticed that this feeling holds true for a lot of people that I've come to know in my life.I speak and I am heard, I walk and people follow, and impression that no one can beat, & I make a memory that lasts in your mind...
Slowly they all come back and you realize all the salty tears you tasted have turned sugary sweet with vengence. They ask me how I'm doing and I say "I'm excellent." The pictures reveal images that are soft on the eyes and striking in the mind, the words are familiar yet they have matured and changed over time, the person is the one who was once here by your side but now she's just a shadow, a ghost, a has-been of the person you used to know so well but now it seems you don't even know her at all. Yet you want to so badly. So you ask more, you "want to hear more about Nikita."
But now, there's not much to say.
I'm well, I'm excellent, and I'm still reckless as ever. Living life in my fast lane, I'm in full control. And I'm doing me, the way it always needed to be done.. without any of you.
"Confidence is a stain you can't wipe off" and apparently, Nikita is one too.
And it feels great to have this new mindset as a woman today compared to the helpless girl I used to be.
As much as I hate to do it, sometimes you just got to run.
If you're not too cautious... I'll run from you too. Leaving a trailing footstep on your heart.
A permanent indentation of me being here and me having left.


Inspired by: "Drop the world" Lil Wayne ft. Eminem.
I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes,
Hate in my heart, love in my mind
I seen nights full of pain, days of the same
You keep the sunshine, save me the rain
I search but never find, hurt but never cry
I work and forever try, but I’m cursed, so never mind
And it’s worse, but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher the more that I climb
The spot gets smaller, and I get bigger
Tryna get into where I fit in, no room for a nigga
But soon for a nigga it be on, mu’fucka
‘Cause all the bullshit, it made me strong...