Fear can be defined as "to be afraid or feel anxious or apprehensive about a possible or probably situation or event." Fears can be so compellingly strong they turn into phobias, constant fears and aversions to a certain thing. The wonderful world wide web has mass lists of what exists in the realms of phobia and I had these lists to use at my disposal as I delved deeper into fear itself. My curious and wandering eyes took a peak at what might be an excuse for my anxiety, the phobias that I hold deep in my mind. The most prevalent fear I diagnosed myself of, linked directly to anxiety, is Monophobia, the fear of being alone.
It's a weird state of being because there are times, like now while I write, where I do like to be alone in complete silence. Going home from school riding the bus I blast my ipod and I walk for blocks & blocks, preferring to be alone. I stare out of windows and watch people go about their daily business, all alone. However, from the world ALONE comes loneliness, lonesome, lone, and the word one.
We are all one being. Each build and born with a heart, a mind, a soul, a distinct puzzle piece. Just one, and in my strong belief, made for just one. It's as simple as Newton's Law: For every action, there is a reaction. It's the reason why black was made for white, how night competes with day, what goes up comes down, how ying balances yang, and how man + woman create beautiful life.
Everyone has a somebody, a soul mate, a happily ever after, righhhhht?
But what if there are mutations in the genetic coding of life, fate, & destiny? Miniature disasters? Tiny mistakes? Kinks in the chain- the circle of life?
What if out of the 2.3 million people who get married annually in the United States, your lottery number isn't called on, consecutively year after year, until it's just too late?
I met a man once, aged & wise, & he told me that he had woken up one morning believing that he was okay with being alone, forever. His time had passed and he was fine being on his own, without a marriage, without children, no one to come home to at the end of a long day, & no one to build an empire with but himself.
To many Americans this idea is normal, an every day part of life. "The One" simply doesn't exist for everyone. Some people never want to get married, there are even PHOBIAS against marriage itself. However, as much as I'll hate to admit it, my culture has engrained the notion of young marriages & childbirth in me far worse than I could imagine. Nonetheless, it's my anxiety, my fear, my dependency on another human for happiness and nuturing that makes me thirst for the dream that he let go of so freely, he's ok with being alone. Yet, I don't think I'll ever be happy with such an idea because the thought of it scares the living shit out of me.
You have your friends, you have your family & I've been told over and over again that I need to learn to stay away from attachments and learn to depend on myself for comfort and consolation. But will this satisfy me forever?
Right now college life gets the best of me on most days so the thoughts skip my mind. I live and breathe for whatever tomorrow holds. The last thing on my mind is tying the knot, settling down with one and living happily ever after by having my cake & eating it too. It wasn't until today at dinner that a guest in our house told me that I was next after my uncle's official engagement in May seals the deal and sets the date. I took a fat gulp and I could feel the sweat seep out of my forehead. Not because I'm next because my father wouldn't have that, but what if I don't find him in time.
What if he doesn't exist? What if this is the test that I live with this fear forever?
"The silence overtakes me, the idle words forsake me & I'm left to face me."
- FlyLeaf, In the Dark
