Hangover.

Hungover.
The worse moments of my life compiled in one awful headache. A night filled with great memories but a morning filled with the reality that life is still here, just as you left it. Nothing’s changed even though you’d hope that with each shot it just might. Nope, my life is still here in shambles and pieces, nothing is put together as it should be, as I left it. So I toss my cookies over the garbage can and get rid of the poison that’s been brewing inside me but that doesn’t help shake off the reality that I did this to myself. These are the moments where I begin to realize I’m alone again fighting this war. Although some may find being alone calming, peaceful, serene and a time of great relaxation- it’s everything but that for a person like me who uses communication with others to relieve my stress, who needs person to person contact to understand that life is worth living, who needs to tell her stories because if they aren’t heard they’ll be bottled up inside and the little voices will change and alter them into my worst nightmares. Yup, this is the mind of menace.
My phone is my biggest problem. After all the ugly stuff of the hangover you check your phone and see the missed calls from worried friends, the unanswered calls from those few people you need the most but who could care less about you, and the text messages of people who are confused as to why they received “hy, cin u biiing my kieys oustidee..” when they’re 200 miles away from you. Yes, the phone is my worst enemy at times like these because the little demons come out and tell me stories of what I should do and how I should think and Viola! You leave people with a sense of confusion and people leave you with the notion that you’re nothing but a complete drunk. And you feel like a fool. I’ve thought about quitting many times. I can do bad all by myself without any liquid courage and just be myself. I can feed off the energy of others to feel whatever I wanna feel and be whatever I wanna be. But it never pans out because it shows up at every party ready for you and only you.
I’m starting to think that I have a problem and it’s only beginning to get worse. I’ve realized I’ve lost everything from my past relationship in high school- friends, family, fun. I realize I’m trying to fit into a margin somewhere in the middle when I was built to live on the edge. Fitting into the Indian culture that makes me who I am is a lot harder than it seems. I’ve got to put up with the evil stares, get rid of the supposed ‘bad images’ that people think I have, and fit into everyone else’s idea of what I should be. And somehow find peace and wholesomeness through this. And although I could do it, I won’t because I’ll just keep turning my head back to the girl I used to be, the girl who ended up getting trapped inside her own body and locked up in a straightjacket of an Indian conformist. I’ve got the shell of an Indian and the blood of a Mexican and it’s not my fault! I’m the victim of circumstance who ended up being given this life and try to fix it into happiness in the end- like it was a challenge from God. Well, isn’t that what life is? A challenge from God. It’s like He gives you the nails, the hammer, the boards, and the bricks and expects you to put it together into a perfect house that matches his blueprint in the end. If it is built to absolute perfection you’re access to heaven is granted. If not, to hell with you. My house gets built every Monday to Thursday when my friends help me put it together and I feel great but by Friday and Saturday the liquid pours, the old me comes out to feed on the world, and by Sunday morning my house has been burnt to the ground.
The main point is I feel out of place and it’s beginning to tear me apart. I’m going to be a genius one day and I feel like this tearing is going to break me so that I never even get to that point. I want the happy ending, I want the love story, I want the world at my feet but this crazy person inside me won’t let me live in the way I need to in order to have it. Ultimately, I may seem like I know what I’m doing. I may to seem to be having the happiest and most wonderful time of my life wherever I go but it’s everything but that. I’m struggling day by day. And that’s the reality. It’s the sad truth that comes back to haunt me after the night is over and the hangover at daybreak brings me back into the light that is my life.

"I wanna heal, I wanna feel. Like I'm close to something real. I wanna find something I've wanted all along...Somewhere I belong"