Death Itself

I remember a few weeks back when MJ died- How'd i find out? Facebook. Who went to prom with who? Facebook. Who hates who? Facebook. Where's Cassie's next show at? Facebook. What's going on this weekend? Facebook! I'm not hating on it because I know I use it to get gamed up on what's going on around me too. It's just interesting what and how much of what you can actually find.

I'm getting to the point, i swear.

This morning I checked my facebook. A majority of the most recent statuses all read RIP ALEX. I know quiet a few Alex's so I hunted around to find out which one. Oh! That chick from my Spanish class. She died in a car accident. I didn't know the girl too well. The last time I saw her was last semester when I was riding the bus back home and we past through my old high school were she still went. We talked for a while & that was it. & this is now it. Poof! She's gone.

Now I'm sitting here and I'm so confused by her death. Granted I'm not going to cry over it but I feel sadness. And I'm ashamed to say it's not just because of her death. It's just because the Death Itself exists. Death itself is a strange entity. It's fear, sadness, pain, greif, and to me, it's weird. It's strange.

As i read through the statuses about how much she'll be missed, how upset people are, the memories she shared with others, and how life is just way too short to take things for granted-I keep playing images of all the good times I've had with people over and over in my head. I think of you and how it would be if you weren't here tomorrow. I think about my favorite memories with certain people from as far back as the third grade to memories from yesterday at 2am. I have too many memories and I've shared them with so many different and diverse people that I can't imagine losing any one of them. And if I did, depending on how close we were, it could possibly break me. I don't handle death well. I have both sets of grandparents still alive. The only people that I've been around that have died have been pretty much strangers or relatives I don't remember meeting. This is not to get mistaken- I've seen death all too often (but those are stories for another time) and it was never any particularly close.

It's fucked up, my mind is. But it's the way I was built and the events leading up to this moment in my life where I'm sitting here not sad, not unchanged, but confused, utterly confused.

Death takes a person away without settling disputes, without last kisses goodbye, without heartfelt hugs, and without much of anything. It comes and goes and takes away our most loved ones and leaves us stranded in the dark trying to process our emotions and feelings-blindsighted by pain.

It would be strange to see you lying there looking all peaceful in one of those funeral home caskets, surrounded by family who can't bear the sight of this but try to hold their compossure for as long as they possibly can.
Walking up to you and seeing that you're lifeless. I would wanna call you and tell you how strange you look right now lying there but I know you wouldn't answer. I would wanna go run to your door and knock as loud as I can, knowing you won't be there. I wanna touch you and feel your warm skin but I know you're as cold as ice. Reality would hit and I'd realize how awful this all really is and it would hurt me. You would hurt me.

The slideshows kill me at funerals but it's the single most important reason why I take soo many pictures when we all hang out. (emo i know) I wanna go through the pictures years from now and remember you and how we used to look and the way we used to dress and repeat the things you used to say. But as I'm looking through these photos I would wanna be able to call you and remind you of the times too. At funerals the pictures flash and people cry. People remember the memories, the good times, everything. It's like you're alive again and the picture becomes real and the moment plays like a movie clip in your head. And the picture changes and reality hits again. & you're not there. Can you imagine? Who would even want to? Me, I suppose.

I've asked alot of dumb questions. I get really emo with them too. I'm a depressing person some of the time. I just wonder and think too much. Among my favorite is the question that revolves around my death. What would you do if I died? What would those 1st 24 hours of knowing I'm no longer here be like for you? As a girl who likes to romantize I think about you saying things like I'll be so very sad, cry for days, won't wanna see the light of day, think of you every time I do this, when I hear this song play on the radio it'll make me wanna call you, whenever I go to this place I'll remember the time when we, etc. The list goes on. And though I wanna hear that from you because in a strange way it'll make me happy I know it's not the anwser I'll get. It's not the answer you wanna give because I should already know it'll be that way. Deep down I hope you know you've made a big impact on my life. Deep down I hope you know that I love you all and I think about each of you at random and wish you well. Deep down I hope you know that if you were gone tomorrow I wouldn't do anything but drink until it all just doesn't make sense anymore.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves because death comes and goes and takes away our beloved friends and family. But life comes and goes and you don't want that to pass you by (especially by sitting here pondering the end of it). I guess the only thing you can do is appreciate life and your loved ones. Here & now. Hope things won't change and you'll all forever stay the same.

You just don't know what you got til it's gone.