Find My Melody.

No matter what has ever come to me
I got my own brand of company
I got da da da inside my head
And i play songs back to back until i got to bed

Wake up by myself inside an empty room
There's no body next to mine to oooh
But my skin is warm and my heart is full
It's the do do do do do do

Walking waking on a crowded street
With my headphones loud
So my hips can swing, so my head can nod
To the rock and roll to the boom boom beat

& i find that i'm never alone
& i find that my heart is my home
& the music within makes me whole
A world that i built on my own

& i know that i'm never alone
& i know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody

Is this poetry?

I'm different really. Circumstances change, just like people do. I try to maintain all that I have,

Everything that I believe is me. When it comes down to it, Life, that is...I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing.

Everyday new pieces of information infiltrate in flecks of old things seep out.

I want to hold onto them all but my brain won't allow it.

If I saw you again, you would see that I have changed drastically.

The woman before you isn't the same reckless teenager you loved from years before

but someone who has turned life anew, almost a stranger. I don't need to thank you.

Little teeny glimmers of what I used to be would catch your eye but that's all I've kept of me.

I wish I had more, something to show for but I just couldn't carry it all...

it would weigh me down and it got heavy.

I was given a second chance.

I'd want you to see something more than a deranged girl waiting for death to appear at the door. It's a sad image and I can't erase what everyone once saw.

Strung out mentally and trying to piece myself together, lugging a broken heart back and forth that I threw at the wall and watched shatter with approval.

I made the mess, everyone heard the clash of glass as it all hit the floor.

Some handed over mops and others fetched buckets to extinguish the flames.

I stood there for a long while....

surrounded in the hot heap...

I stood there for a while.

And finally, when no one was watching, I curled up like a house cat on the warm windowsill and licked the wounds clean, always mindful of the noises around me and momentarily gazing out on the horizon.

I'd find that horizon.

And i did. I ran to it with open arms, i flung myself onto it.

I would only let it go momentarily because in the back of my mind I knew it would never desert me. It was there. He was always there. And I found my footing and gained momentum and I pushed further than I thought was possible. And I ended up alone, happily alone. For the first time in my life.

I turned into a bird that year.

I flew,

I fell

and when I got too low,

I realized I had wings.

I flew back to the sun & never hit the ground.

I'll never hit the ground... again.

But I want to stay grounded and never travel too far.

You can lose yourself in life sometimes

I can't let myself go

I can't let myself forget who I am.

I sometimes travel back in time to see the deserted parts that raised me...

searching for a glimmer of hope but I know it's of no use...

until the day I heard something and I realized it called back at me.

Maybe I could finally pick up the pieces I couldn't carry but only if there was a way I could find them... because I'm stronger now.

I'm a lot stronger now.

I've lost something vital and I can't explain what it is I've lost.

To live my life by the words I say is useless because there are so many to chose from.

You'd have to see what I see and hear what I hear. No, you'd have to live how I've lived.

I've never explain my whole purpose to a single being

but you were there for the better parts of it.

And I now need you to explain.

Stitch me shut like a Tim Burton piece and finally set me free.

I'm either eccentric or brilliant.

But I'm happy.

So are you.

Check Lists

Lately a strange feeling has come over me. It's as if I've taken too big of a hit on this life of mine & possibly lost something vital in the process of my redefinition.

Let's rehearse; I've constructed everything in my empire to be everything I've wished it to be. I've gone from a state of emotional unbalance to a sustainable, calm way of living. When something doesn't quite go as I planned, the universe does, indeed, rearrange itself to best fit my needs but at it's own pace so I may have to wait a while. I've taken the art of the self-fulling prophecy and manipulated it as I see fit. Yet, I still have much to accomplish and the road ahead has not been paved entirely of gold. That manual labor I'll have to get on my knees and do myself as I've so naively figured out.

I've made it to San Diego and I've been having a wonderful time, no surprise there. I have great friends who I've grown to keep very close, kept good contact with my family, have a handful of units that will need to be plowed through. I've weeded out the bad plants of my past and my lawn is greener than ever with a few ruff patches; possibly where my newly adopted kittens have soiled it. Yep, Calypso&Fawkes are my newest additions and I've grown an inexplicable attachment to the pair of them. They make life "fun," in a responsible way.

I've started to outline my life in a series of Excel Spreadsheets, iPhone Reminders and a Wipe board calendar that is propped up in my new office; or my dad's old office rather. I am working for free but the man in charge; I crave the power more than the paycheck it seems. It may not be of monetary value to me but the learning experience I am getting has no dollar denomination. I've never been into the Hotel industry but having plunged head first into piles of boxed paperwork, I realize that with the time and effort I plan to put in, I might be the saving grace of this entire 12-year ordeal, even if I'm only here for a short while. But the big boulder in my way happens to be more based on my sex and possibly part of my age.

At this present time, I'm still finishing college. I'm a happy-go-lucky, spend daddy's money, do as I please, live life on the edge and party like a rockstar, capital D-I-V-A. And it suits me very well but when it comes time to buckling down and taking responsibility I feel like I pile onto my plate more than I can manage. So I'm stuck in a rut with dirt piling up to my waist and only a small shovel and my iPhone to guide me. Unfortunate as this may seem, this is how I like it. I build a challenge and watch myself struggle because it revives me. It's pushing yourself.

I've made countless To-Do Lists in the past and they all seem to evade me when they are most needed. Even now as I write, I stare at as freshly-made list on the coffee table from time to time knowing that I should put my laptop down and accomplish some of the tasks. How amazing it would feel to carry that check list to bed with me every night and reflect on all the checked boxes marked. A day's work done, a good night sleep ahead of me. But that will seldom happen. So here I start on another adventure of the To Do Checklist.

School Work

• Oh that Chemistry
• Genetics Chapter 3 & 4, finish problems from 10 & 12
• Environmental Ethics readings (~60 pages) for Thursday
• Mirror of the World reading from p.9-108 by Friday, plus Eres (20 pages)
• Fafsa!

House Work

• Grocery shopping
• Buy another air filter
• Return books

Super 8

• Building Infrastructure sheet needs to be retyped
• MyEres reservation check on email
• Customer #404 complaint needs to be addressed
• Update new calendar
• Collect drop & stats report from 2/10-2/12
• Payroll, due next Monday
• Third Party Reservation Credit Card declined, check on that
• Pay the laundry guy for both props.

Not bad for the first day of a new endeavor. Let's see how much stuff we can get done on a Monday.

Demi Moore

I wonder how Demi Moore feels. It's a stupid thing to wonder but in this moment it seems very valid. I never write about celebrities because I don't personally think they're people I should devote any amount of time to. But Demi Moore is 49 and heading into her 3rd divorce, totaling 23 years of broken marriages. How must she feel because, honestly, not any amount of riches or popularity can amount to the happiness found within a perfect marriage.

I'm a strong believer in love. I've dreamt up my own personal fairytale and sized up every man whose ever held my hand to possibly be the man from the wedding cake topper. Most have failed and at the tender age of 22, I'm still searching and fitting the groomsman to perfection.

Ultimately, it's the marriage I look forward to more than the wedding. Maybe it's because I'm practical or possibly just the wiser. I think Kim K. wanted the wedding with all the glitz and glamour, friends drinking champagne and telling you how beautiful you look wedding dress after wedding dress, and was too caught up to realize the ball & chain attached to the end of her Vera Wang train. Marriage is what I look forward to. The constant day-by-day interaction presents a challenge for me. How would contribute to a successful, working marriage? Will there be a time where I'll need to spice things up to keep the love alive? Well, it's been a year will Michael now and I think we've adjusted into the holy matrimony hum-drum, but what happens when it's actually real? Will it last forever? Because honestly, I want to get to that moment where we sit on the front porch swing and watch the kids play. That moment when the grandkids ask us what it was like to fall in love in our day. I want to get to the point where you look past the wrinkles and signs of old age and still see that 23 year old brown-eyed college boy standing at your front door. I want to see how love doesn't change through the years- after all the family members have died & the new ones have been born, after all the friends come and go, and the weekly nights out on the town, become dinner parties for the holidays and then play dates with the kids, and finally hospital visits and final goodbyes. I want to turn to my right and see my right hand man who keeps all these memories with me because no one wants to go through life alone.

This makes me think about 49-year-old Demi. I want a marriage that grows day-by-day. A love that lasts a life time. Divorces are ugly but in some instances, absolutely necessary. I can understand why her first marriage at 18 was doomed to fail and that's ok, people make mistakes. I'm sure she thought she had it all figured out with Bruce and when that failed I can see how Ashton lit her fire and kept her feeling alive. But now, that's over, too. So what must she be feeling on the inside. Who will be there for her when Hollywood Blvd is over taken by the Team Jacob's and Disney Channel Stars? Who will she rely on when she needs that special someone to lay next to every night- you can't be a cougar forever! I wonder what will happen to Demi Moore or the other women who turn out to be like her. Can women survive without finding true love forever?

Abused.

Because the person that brings you up the highest only let's you fall the furthest, hitting your head hard on the concrete the hardest, and making you look the biggest fool.

I have the best moments and everyone who bears witness knows I got my fairytale with every type of icing on top. He makes me feel invincible. Like everything's always about me. That he's always got my back. Every time I'm sick, he nurses me back to health. Whenever I feel sad about the misfortunes of the world, he comforts me and acts like a shield. I feel happy when I wake up. I feel loved when I go to sleep. I'm blessed.

But there are fights. They are terrible. He shuts his mind out and forgets who I am. The ghosts of his past come back and blow the image of me out of the water. My body disappears. All of sudden, I'm not me but a monster. When he looks at me it's like he doesn't even see me there. He doesn't remember. I try to hold on tight and make him feel me. He just pushes me- against the wall, across the bed, to the floor. And then he leaves me there. Tells me to pull myself together as the tears come streaming down my face. He leaves me there and tells me I'm a child, I'm stupid. He makes me feel worthless. He makes me fall the furthest and then disappears.

Does it make me stronger? Yes. Does it make me feel like I'm an idiot? Yes. Should I want to leave him? Yes. But Can I?

I sit here alone most of the time waiting for him to come around... to bring me back to that pedestal I call home. It takes a while. While I sit here I forget about the tears, the hurt, and the pain... I try to remember the way he tried to make me pancakes while I was sleeping, when he would randomly dance with me in the middle of the grocery store like no one was watching, when he said he'd get me whatever made me happy because I deserved it & I was his baby. I remember the times he spoiled me rotten, when he'd look at me like no one's ever looked at me before. The moments keep me sane. Keep me grounded. Prevent me from leaving. Because underneath it all, there's the man I met. He's trapped in there and I would gladly die trying to get him out. But it takes a toll. My entire soul is hurt, shot from the sky, drowning in salty tears. And he walks around the room like he doesn't even care. I'll admit it I'm scared to leave. Scared because I feel like I'll never feel the same way about anyone else. Scared that the minute I walk the plank on another relationship, I'll change again. I'll never remember him again. I'll forget all about the man that lives inside this monster. And I'll never see him the same way again...

He's never raised a hand to me, but whose to say that the pain is any different? He kissed me goodbye, I don't feel a thing.

OccupyMyself

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now but I know it's not a good thing. I want to make a difference in the world but I've started to realize it's so hard to especially on the grand scale. 1% of the world is wealthy and they obviously don't give a shit.

I'm sure I make an impact on a lot of people but I wonder in 10 years would it amount to anything. I've been Miss Popularity and prized myself as a pageant queen. I took that crown off. Nowadays, I try to surround myself around the positives and form a tight circle for my own protection. I'm realizing that everyone has the ability to start a change, humans have a natural capacity to sin, and that all the world is more of a gimmick than a stage. The radicals spread like disease and I'm constantly switching out the negatives. Maybe that allows for better pictures. Maybe it makes me a bad friend. But maybe that makes me wiser tomorrow than I am today. And that's what makes the difference.

I realized that Heaven and Hell are states of mind rather than places. I realize that there are no rituals, practices, or traditions that can get you there. It's all in your choices. Are you willing to live in loving harmony with God and everyone else or do you want to rot like the Romans, alone & selfish? As a child, I've been selfish. I've always wanted the biggest slice of pumpkin pie, always made sure the boys put me first above others, and won the affection of everyone I've touched- materially. Today I'll face the music- I'm easy on the eyes but no one's really listening to the shit coming out of my mouth. I'm making a difference by feeding my emotional need in wanting to be needed, loved, or lusted. Like Eva Peron, I'm maliciously fighting my way to the top because I've got beauty, brains, and the rack that holds it all together. And all of a sudden that fills a need. But that's selfish, and it's not making a difference in the world.

I'll look to the Buddha for guidance. I hope that after this semester is through that me and my bhiksuni (nun) will still remain in close ties, because there's a lot about the world I can learn from her. I need to gain awareness by cutting out the time I stare at myself in the mirror to looking at the globe and seeing what problems I can combat first. I'll have to go back to the Toy Program and re-learn the meaning of Christmas. I need to get back to my basics. I need to understand my beginnings. I need to re-change my life to what it used to be before I fell off.

Something tells me I'm going to have an extensive New Year's Resolution. This year I hope you will do more than cut out soda and cookies from your selfish diet. I hope this year I'll stick to my guns and truly show people the differences that can be made with perseverance and protesting. I need to OccupyMyself because I'm being ridiculous and I'm not gonna stand for this shit. I'm not gonna pretend the whole world is doomed and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. I'm gonna stand up against myself.

Happy Anniversary Team

A year ago, I was newbie to the game. I had picked up everything I had and followed a dream that kept coming back to me. I never thought I'd ever have the guts, the balls, or the common sense to move away from my beloved city by the bay. But I did it. There I was a queen, everything was familiar and outside of those 7x7 miles, I would be nothing. Although this scared me the most, I followed what I felt on the inside, I packed up and did it. And it gave me an immense amount of confidence. It taught me something very vital about the world;
it's yours. You do with it what you will. You draw the lines, you make the boundaries and if you keep your wits about you, you cross them. You make yourself something because nothing in this life is given.

This time last year, it was Halloween. A time of year I came to know as my second birthday. It's where one love ended and a new one started. I fell in love with a road trip from Santa Barbara and met the best people that I never thought existed. I fell into a group where I was just a shiny new toy and figured that soon enough my lustre would disappear and I'd either be a has-been or some one they used to know. I'd never know their stories, I'd never know what made them tick. They'd never know me. I'd just disappear into the background. But after having met these people I knew I couldn't just let em go that way. They meant too much to me even from that first day. They're courageous, they're crazy, they're me. So I stepped it up and made them my own and they let me because, in time, I became theirs, too. Luckily.

My hypemen & hypeladies just hooked it up & it felt like I had red carpet laid out wherever I went. It was a true blessing and I was living the high life. I had their support through everything from a crazy costume idea to my relationships with others. In a single year, I went from the girl down the hall to Nikita, the one & only. And most importantly, I had become part of a team. I had a team. People to ride with, to enjoy the weekends with, to laugh and cry with, and to just be me with, people with whom I could pass the time and make memories with. We had amazing heart to hearts & tough talks we had to make it through. In a year, you've all made it seem like a lifetime of utmost happiness. And ultimately, they've become something as close to family. They definitely kept me away from feeling homesick. Every time I boarded a plane, it became more and more of a challenge to leave. To them, I owe an entire year of happiness and many more to come.
Because they're my team and I never want this to change but I know it happens. We never know who we'll lose next year but as for right now, I just want you to know you have made my life the most amazing ride to live on and every moment worth while. And I hope I've brought something as essential to your life as you have to mine. I wouldn't change this life for anything and I wouldn't trade any of you for the world.
You are the best.
You are mine. And I hope you'll stay forever.

Let's stay together 'til we're ghosts.
I wanna witness love,
I've never seen it close.
But I guess we gotta try it first.
That's why I'm really going off.
Fireworks.
-Drake.